Oh, my friends, I have done it! Not quite eight months into child two, I have discovered the perfect, never fails, one size fits all response to all the DIRE WARNINGS and ASSHOLE OBSERVATIONS to which parents are constantly subjected by the general public. Like, "That baby doesn't have a HAT!" and "She's still using a BOTTLE?" Like "You know, if you let that baby sleep with you, he is going to WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU FOREVER" and "If you feed that baby whenever he's hungry, he's going to expect to just EAT WHENEVER HE'S HUNGRY." Like "Oh, I've heard that babies who don't crawl don't ever learn to read" or "Shouldn't she be walking/talking/self-feeding/conjugating Latin verbs/calculating Pi by now?"
It's true, I have formulated the perfect response. That response is:
"And?"
It helps if you put on a bit of a bitch face while you say it. Most people shut right up, but some are persistent and start to explain in detail exactly how you have strayed from Ideal Parenting Practices, in which case, just do it again as often as needed. "And? And? And?"
Works like a charm.
Comments (34)
Hmm, I'm wondering if that will work when people give me a hard time about not having another child. I'll have to try it.
Posted by jodifur | September 30, 2008 10:36 AM
I love you.
Posted by Leah | September 30, 2008 10:49 AM
Wow, so much more appropriate than just saying "fuck off". I'll remember that. Thanks for the handy tip!
Posted by Lisa M | September 30, 2008 10:50 AM
Oh, meant to ask how the boob is doing. Cause, you know teh internets all about your breasts.
Posted by Lisa M | September 30, 2008 10:52 AM
Love it!
I will remember for future reference!
Pol x
Posted by Pol | September 30, 2008 11:19 AM
Best. Advice. Ever.
I can think of at least 50 different situations to utilize this in.
Posted by Kate | September 30, 2008 11:25 AM
Kind of like an adult version of the three-year-old's "Why? Why? Why?"
Posted by Stephanie | September 30, 2008 11:26 AM
Works for the people who try to pull you into their Drama as well.
Posted by k8 | September 30, 2008 11:44 AM
"If you feed that baby whenever he's hungry, he's going to expect to just EAT WHENEVER HE'S HUNGRY."
You missed something in this.
PEOPLE ONLY CARE IF THIS HAPPENS TO GIRLS. GIRLS MUST BE THIN TO BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. DUH.
Posted by Sparkle Pants | September 30, 2008 11:47 AM
Great! Now I need you to come up with an equally perfect thing to say to the cashiers that constantly ask me when I'm due or what I'm having, when I haven't been pregnant for months.
Something other than, "I'm working on it, OK?"
Posted by Amy | September 30, 2008 12:14 PM
I like it! Will come in handy LOTS...thank you, Beth!
Posted by Dianna | September 30, 2008 12:41 PM
I've never understood the idiots who say the whole eat-whenever-they're-hungry thing. Doesn't EVERYONE eat when they're hungry? And if you don't feed a baby when he's hungry, isn't that cruel????
Posted by peggi | September 30, 2008 12:54 PM
Oooooooh, a clever take on "why?"
I would imagine this can come in handy in all sorts of situations....
Posted by chatty cricket | September 30, 2008 12:55 PM
This cracked me up-
"If you feed that baby whenever he's hungry, he's going to expect to just EAT WHENEVER HE'S HUNGRY."
What else should he do? Ha!
Posted by Not Your Aunt Bea | September 30, 2008 1:44 PM
Genius. Pure genius.
How do you come up with this stuff, even when your boob is likely falling off your chest??
Posted by carrie | September 30, 2008 1:57 PM
You rock!!!
Being a newbie mom of a 6 month old this couldn't be more timely :)
How are you feeling now?
Posted by iris | September 30, 2008 2:06 PM
Hahaha! LOVE it. You're a genius. Now if only I have the guts to actually use it. I usually just respond "Oh. Really?".
Posted by Nadine | September 30, 2008 2:15 PM
I am definitely filing this for future reference.
Posted by Angela | September 30, 2008 2:26 PM
Brilliant! Except that in real life, I could only ever use this with people I know really, really well or people I don't know at all. I need something for the in-betweeners.
Posted by Erin | September 30, 2008 3:02 PM
You know what else works? Saying, "You know what?" and when they say "What?," you say, "Chicken butt!"
Posted by Swistle | September 30, 2008 3:37 PM
Or, you could go with "So?".
I tend to use that quite often.
Posted by grace | September 30, 2008 4:02 PM
Rough day? Actually I've solved the problem by never leaving the house with #2. I like your solution though -- I'll keep that in mind if I ever face the public again.
Posted by Kelly | September 30, 2008 8:00 PM
Am SO putting this in the things to do if I ever have a baby file.
So far the only other thing in the file is wait until visibly pregnant, have stranger someone ask about it, then burst into tears and act like not pregnant.
So uh. It's not the best file.
Posted by Caleal | September 30, 2008 8:17 PM
Thank you, from a long time lurker.
Posted by Veronica | September 30, 2008 9:34 PM
I will have to use that the next time someone says 'You're STILL nursing?'
Thanks, and I hope you are feeling better!
Posted by Colleen | September 30, 2008 11:13 PM
I always find the middle finger works wonders as well and gets you some disgusting looks as a bonus.
I would love to see you in action using your 'and?' response.
You're awesome!
And?
Posted by Samantha | October 1, 2008 12:19 AM
can i also raise my eyebrow when i say it? put on my snooty face?
Posted by kat | October 1, 2008 12:28 AM
Love it! I think it would work for any sort of assvice, really.
Posted by Fraulein N | October 1, 2008 9:30 AM
THANK YOU. I will use this. It's brilliant.
Just the other day some guy on the bus decided to inform me how I have to hold my daughter so she won't fall (while sitting down!) when the bus stops and moves again.
Like I have never been on the bus with my kid before.
Do I have an IDIOT stamp on my forehead?
WTF.
Posted by jessica | October 1, 2008 12:24 PM
I do have a general response for the "how far along are you?" or "when are you due" questions.
Dummy: "Oh, when are you due?"
Response: 2019 - about the time it's predicted your I.Q. will reach double digits.
Dummy: "How far along are you?"
Response: "About 29 months - the doctors haven't quite figured out how to deliver one of this size. Ya'd think they'd have that figured out by now, huh?"
Sorry - the pain in the ass folks are on my last dang nerve today...
I like your response!!! =-)
Posted by dianne | October 1, 2008 6:23 PM
I think I got EVERY one of those questions asked when my kids were little.
I had 3 kids, 18 months apart each and I breastfed them all, co-slept them all, attended to their cries, etc...
AND...
You know what??? They've turned out to be some really awesome, really self-reliant, well-behaved, level-headed FREAKING AWESOME KIDS!
So, I'll definitely agree with..."AND????"
Posted by Holly Reynolds | October 2, 2008 1:12 PM
Some ninny grabbed my little girl's toe the other day when I was walking into a doctor's office and she said "Mommy! Where are my socks?" in a little baby voice. It took everything I had not to say "I'm not your effing Mommy". It was like 80 degrees!
Posted by Joanne | October 2, 2008 1:36 PM
And?
Brilliant.
Posted by ewe_are_here | October 2, 2008 7:10 PM
That's brilliant. My husband was in the store a few months ago buying popsicles (strange purchase in the summer, I know) and a few other items and said a lady walked up to him and told him that there was fruit for sale the aisle over--wouldn't he like some nice fruit for them instead? Cherries, bananas? Boy those girls sure had him by the nose, etc. etc. etc. She even kept commenting later he was in the check out line. So he saw her walking out of the store, leaned out of the car window and told her it was really rude of her to have done that. She agreed, she was. I don't know what gets into people.
Posted by Helen | October 4, 2008 12:14 PM