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I love the internet

Hey! You wanna know what I just did? I just googled my ex-boyfriends!

No seriously, I had never done it before, and it was fun. Well, a little fun. One of them is married to a woman who works with my mom, small world, etc., etc., so I get updates on him whether I want to or not. And one of them apparently does not exist in internet land, but I did find his sister who is even more gorgeous than she was in high school and therefore more gorgeous than any woman has any right to be and is also apparently a Harvard Law grad, which was also not a surprise. Her Facebook page didn't link to her brother through, mores the pity as I was curious to see whether he ever gave up the mountain man beard.

But then! With my last ex-boyfriend (yes, there were only three), I hit paydirt! I got a recent picture and where he is working and could even tell you exactly where he is right this very minute since his daily schedule at work was online. You wanna see him? Yes you do. Here:

Doesn't he look nice? Don't you just want to hug him? You do, don't you? Don't though, his lovely wife may not like it.

I was going to email him and then didn't, because while I would love to say hi I worried it would be one of those email things where we trade a few notes right away and then it gets longer and longer between emails but we feel like we ought to be keeping up and then we just feel vaguely guilty and awkward about it until we both decide to just pretend it never happened. So I didn't. But these things always get the better of me, so I probably will within the week.

On another note, I have 38 followers on Twitter. That is not notable, except that I have never twittered in my life and have never even entertained the intention of twittering. Twitter, you see, is tedious and boring. (Not that you are tedious and boring, of course, it is the medium that it tedious and boring.) There are, however, a few people who I occasionally check out on Twitter and I got the idea one day that I may at some point want to respond to something there and so I signed up, but that particular impulse died on the vine and I have never done anything on Twitter other than sign in a few minutes ago to see how many "followers" I had. And there are 38.

I get the emails periodically that someone else has started following me, and it always makes me feel a bit guilty because there is nothing there. Not that I am so exciting or I think that anyone needs any more of me (heaven knows you get more than enough of me here), but I think it must be a very minor let-down to add someone and then have them be a total blank. Also, it bothers me to think that there are 38 people out there sort of waiting for Godot, because I always hated that play.

And so, I am having a contest. I am looking for a single, what do you call it..., tweet. Just something I can put there so as not to be a total blank. And I want you to write it for me. And anybody who comes up with the best one will be responsible for what is likely to be my one and only tweet and will also win a prize specially selected by my and guaranteed not to include my half-box of unused breast pads unless you specifically request such unused breast pads and even then only if I can be reasonably assured that you want them for typical breast pad reasons and not typical pervy reasons. Not that I can imagine any pervy reasons for wanting my unused breast pads, but just because I can't doesn't mean you can't.

It seems you have two missions:

1) Write me a tweet.
2) Tell me I should email my ex-boyfriend.


(P.S. Did you know that they have Cool Whip in a spray can? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME???)

Comments (33)

Don't worry about twitter, we learned at blogher dc that it is a fad. And really, boring? I love twitter

I would have totally twittered about the Cool Whip, but I twitter everything because I feel like it is my only method of adult contact most days. So sad.

And I say don't email him, you're exactly right about what will happen. Just keep stalking him online.

If I knew you had a Twitter, I'd have been bugging you about it long ago!! Guess I should've also told you about Cool Whip in the squirt can, too. I'm failing you, Beth.

Tweet today when the house is quiet (if that happens) and tell us what you're doing in your quiet time. I'll even help. Example: "The house is finally quiet! Time for a nap."

"Just because I don't tweet doesn't mean I don't love you."

Don't email your old boyfriend. It'll most likely end up exactly as you've predicted (or worse), and then you'll be disappointed.

1) tweet for the day: 'Mia nearly finished her Ombama marketing campain. She's consulting on brain surgery tomorow.'

2)email your ex.

signing off ma'am, missions completed.

Stop following me.

Ex boyfriend:


"Just because I don't tweet doesn't mean I don't care."
-because, really, you probably don't love everyone following you on twitter.

Tweet: Twitter is boring.

I thought so to until recently and now I'm addicted. Watching the election feed is really entertaining (for me, at least). There are some dumb people on Twitter.

I recently set up a Twitter account to follow some people for work reasons which then led to following people for fun reasons. Twitter is way more fun than I thought it would be. I've never Tweeted either, and yet I have a few followers too. Not 38 though.

Speaking of ex-boyfriends (sort of) the first boy I ever kissed found my blog through a comment I left here on your site about him being the first boy I ever kissed. While Googling himself.

2nd ex-boyfriend thingy -- a high school friend and I got in touch through Facebook. She then suggested my 10th grade boyfriend as potential friend for me. Do I do it? I am curious to see what he looks like now. I guess if you email your guy, I'll friend mine.

Of course, since you posted that I started following you! And I guess I'm not alone since now you have 48 followers.

I am mostly a reader of tweets, and not so much a writer.

I have no idea. I rarely tweet anything witty.


OMG I'm obsessed with Twitter. 140 characters! Such a challenge!

Anyhoo, how about:

"Vote for Obama!" Then, when people see that as your ONLY tweet, they will TOTALLY do as you said since it's, like, a sign from God or something. Oh the power you could wield! MUAH HA HA HA!

Ummm Twitter is one way. From you to us. So I don't think I can tweet you unless you follow me. Although that does sound delicious ... tweeting you. But ya, email your ex-boyfriend.

Maybe you could google a couple of my ex's I can't seem to find any more.


Did you know there's chocolate and strawberry coolwhip also? And sometimes during certain seasons, cinnamon laced cool whip? Makes dessert just that much more fun!

Your tweet: "Oh! Hi! I don't actually tweet! Is that what it's called, 'tweeting'? Whatevs; I don't. But hi!"

Your ex-boyfriend: I don't know WHAT I'd do! When I get in touch with ex-boyfriends, though, I think I usually end up wishing I hadn't.

For Twitter, some kind of secret spy

"The Sun is high, and the picgeon sits in the road"

Or, short and sweet...

"Buzz Off."

if thats too nasty...

"Beat it. And I mean that in the nicest possible way."

And ex boyfriend...
No. Don't Go There. It will become awkward, or heaven forbid he will suggest a family get together and thats just weird.

For Twitter, some kind of secret spy

"The Sun is high, and the picgeon sits in the road"

Or, short and sweet...

"Buzz Off."

if thats too nasty...

"Beat it. And I mean that in the nicest possible way."

And ex boyfriend...
No. Don't Go There. It will become awkward, or heaven forbid he will suggest a family get together and thats just weird.

And even knowing you dont' post updates, I just went to follow up and you're up to 55. Go figure.

I have no idea - I often tweet about whipped cream out of a can. Just cuz I like it.

And email the ex - I have a few I keep in touch with. And it's nice because they remember me as being nice and sweet and don't hate me cuz I'm a shrew, which is good.

hahahaha I am one of your followers! Twitter automatically added you since I have your e-mail address. I had no idea that they did that. I did notice you had no tweets though.

You can reply to one of my cheesy tweets!

Also you must e-mail your ex!!

Email him. Don't call him. That always ends badly. DON'T CALL HIM.

You can have this tweet. I've been saving it.

"I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit."

Well I just followed you too and now you are up to 60 followers.

How about: I have 60 followers and I still don't plan on using this dang thing?

I will tell you though, it's addicting once you get into it.

As far as your tweet, you need something that fits your name. The first thing that comes to my mind is something to the fact of "Fish don't tweet, birds tweet so why should I tweet. Visit me here instead." And then post your blog address. *shrugs shoulders*

And the old boyfriend. I say, don't stir that pot. I emailed an old boyfriend not too long ago that I found on myspace and I remember how freaked out I felt hitting that send button. We did end up emailing for a short time, but then as you said I started feeling guilty, like I was keeping something from my husband and I stopped.

Do you know they have pancake batter in whip cream style spray cans as well? They sell them at Trader Joe's. How's that for a genius product!

No input on the ex...though I just gave a letter of apology to an ex friend that was like several years overdue and I have no idea what's gonna happen there. And I'm trying not to let it stress me out. (HA!)
Also, I am now following you on Twitter. Go figure THAT!

1 - Write your own Tweet
In exchange for...
2 - Have someone here email your exboyfriend so they can kindly point out this post to him and say he should come over and say 'hi' in the comments.

heh heh

I can't help you with the tweet because I have never used my Twitter account either. I was going to tell you how many poor souls are following me but I can't remember my password -- or log in for that matter.

As for ex-boyfriends. This is the FIRST time you've Googled them? You are a much better person than I. I resist the urge to email them until the feeling passes (except for one of them who I've been in infrequent contact with over the years). There's nothing to be gained, really.

Twitter: please help. being held hostage in cool whip factory. if you don't hear from me, know i loved you.

Boyfriend: Don't email him, b/c he looks like his wife checks his email for him.

1. Make this your tweet:
Did you know that they have Cool Whip in a spray can? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME???

2. Don't email the ex. He may think you want to get back together, no matter how innocent the email is. Just don't go there. De-lurk, but never contact.

How sad is it that you have more followers than I do, and you've never tweeted? Hell, you've gotten more that I have total since making this post, including me :)

I love Twitter, although my tweets have slowed considerably since I got an iMac and I'm not touching a computer for at least 11 hours out of every day. Probably a good thing, really.

Tweet: I am too busy stalking hotty pediatrician to tweet. Leave me and my Cool Whip alone!

Ex-boyfriend: FIRST take hot photos of you and your hubby, THEN e-mail the ex-boyfriend and show him how fabulous your life and family are! Send him the breast pads.

it looks like you have 78 twitter followers now. the pressure is on.

I'm not really a good tweeter so I have nothing to offer in that category.

I did want to add though that Cool Whip in a can is the most genius thing ever invented. It is particularly delightful in a cup of coffee with French Vanilla creamer and then a little of that squirted on top. It's better than Starbucks.

Right now I am either feeding the kids, changing the baby, dressing the kids or putting a child to bed. Otherwise I'm too busy drinking wine to tweet. Thanks for checking in.

That should cover you pretty much 24 hours a day no?

um, i kind of, um, love twitter. don't hate me.

Issuing psychic tweets only, close your eyes and you'll get it, if you're cool enough.

Why not, I've had a swell time since my wife's ex-BF (woulda married him except he moved away, etc) found her a couple years ago.

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So the Fish Said...

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