Hey! You wanna know what I just did? I just googled my ex-boyfriends!
No seriously, I had never done it before, and it was fun. Well, a little fun. One of them is married to a woman who works with my mom, small world, etc., etc., so I get updates on him whether I want to or not. And one of them apparently does not exist in internet land, but I did find his sister who is even more gorgeous than she was in high school and therefore more gorgeous than any woman has any right to be and is also apparently a Harvard Law grad, which was also not a surprise. Her Facebook page didn't link to her brother through, mores the pity as I was curious to see whether he ever gave up the mountain man beard.
But then! With my last ex-boyfriend (yes, there were only three), I hit paydirt! I got a recent picture and where he is working and could even tell you exactly where he is right this very minute since his daily schedule at work was online. You wanna see him? Yes you do. Here:
Doesn't he look nice? Don't you just want to hug him? You do, don't you? Don't though, his lovely wife may not like it.
I was going to email him and then didn't, because while I would love to say hi I worried it would be one of those email things where we trade a few notes right away and then it gets longer and longer between emails but we feel like we ought to be keeping up and then we just feel vaguely guilty and awkward about it until we both decide to just pretend it never happened. So I didn't. But these things always get the better of me, so I probably will within the week.
On another note, I have 38 followers on Twitter. That is not notable, except that I have never twittered in my life and have never even entertained the intention of twittering. Twitter, you see, is tedious and boring. (Not that you are tedious and boring, of course, it is the medium that it tedious and boring.) There are, however, a few people who I occasionally check out on Twitter and I got the idea one day that I may at some point want to respond to something there and so I signed up, but that particular impulse died on the vine and I have never done anything on Twitter other than sign in a few minutes ago to see how many "followers" I had. And there are 38.
I get the emails periodically that someone else has started following me, and it always makes me feel a bit guilty because there is nothing there. Not that I am so exciting or I think that anyone needs any more of me (heaven knows you get more than enough of me here), but I think it must be a very minor let-down to add someone and then have them be a total blank. Also, it bothers me to think that there are 38 people out there sort of waiting for Godot, because I always hated that play.
And so, I am having a contest. I am looking for a single, what do you call it..., tweet. Just something I can put there so as not to be a total blank. And I want you to write it for me. And anybody who comes up with the best one will be responsible for what is likely to be my one and only tweet and will also win a prize specially selected by my and guaranteed not to include my half-box of unused breast pads unless you specifically request such unused breast pads and even then only if I can be reasonably assured that you want them for typical breast pad reasons and not typical pervy reasons. Not that I can imagine any pervy reasons for wanting my unused breast pads, but just because I can't doesn't mean you can't.
It seems you have two missions:
1) Write me a tweet.
2) Tell me I should email my ex-boyfriend.
(P.S. Did you know that they have Cool Whip in a spray can? WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME???)