People ask me what I do all day, here's a recent example:
2:00 Owen wakes up to nurse.
3:00 Owen wakes up to play.
4:00 Owen wakes up to see if Mama wants to play now.
4:30 Owen wakes up to see if maybe he can have some boob.
4:45 Owen wakes up to see if Mama has changed her mind about the boob thing.
5:00 Owen wakes up to see if Dada has suddenly grown boobs and wants to share.
5:45 Chris's alarm goes off.
5:52 Chris's alarm goes off.
5:59 Chris's alarm goes off.
6:06 Chris's alarm goes off.
6:13 Chris's alarm goes off.
6:20 Chris's alarm goes off. Chris gets up and turned off the goddamned alarm.
6:30 Mia crawls into bed with me and Owen. I cuddle her and try to keep her from waking Owen up.
6:32 Mia wakes Owen up.
6:33 - 8:30 Get children out of overnight diapers. Make Mia's breakfast. Make Owen's breakfast. Feed Owen. Make alternate breakfast for Mia in the effort to get her to consume actual food before school. Scrape yogurt out of Owen's hair. Scrape yogurt off walls. Get self and children dressed. Abuse Mia by demanding that she have her hair brushed and face washed before school.
8:30 - 10:30 Get children into car, drive to school, park. Cram Owen into his coat, walk Mia into school because the carpool drop off has apparently been the source of all our preschool woes. Strap Owen back into the carseat, drive to the grocery store. Acquire groceries, strap Owen back into the carseat, drive to nearby clothing store to exchange lovely and thoughtful cashmere turtleneck received as a Christmas gift that made me want to tear my own neck off from the itching. Strap Owen back into the carseat, drive home. Owen falls asleep in the car, leave him napping in the garage. (Well bundled and blanketed, he's warmer in there than he is in his bedroom.)
10:30-12:00 Run around the house changing clothes and collecting shoes and weights, exercise to DVD that consistently claims to be 20 minutes long when it is in fact 29 minutes long. Why the lie? Do you think nobody has a counter on their DVD player? Finish workout, scramble for phone for scheduled call with client. Attempt to sound competent while disguising the fact that I am sprawled on my kitchen floor sweating like a pig. Owen wakes up. Retrieve Owen from car and shove a boob in his mouth to keep him quiet. Hope client cannot hear lip-smacking and gulping noises and won't figure out I'm nursing while having a supposedly professional conversation.
12:00-2:00 Finish call. Chase Owen around the house since he has been trapped in the car seat all morning. Feed Owen lunch #1. Bundle Owen into hat, coat, baby legs, and gloves, cram the whole mess into the Ergo and grab Mia's push tricycle which I promised to use to retrieve her from school. Realize I have allotted six minutes for the 15 minute walk to school and proceed to haul ass with a 23 pound baby strapped to my chest, pausing only when the front wheel falls off the damned tricycle halfway to school. And let me tell you, if you have never performed emergency repairs on a tricycle in 35 degree weather with a squirmy, screamy baby strapped to your chest, you haven't lived. Retrieve Mia, literally haul both children home. Prepare and serve lunch for Mia and lunch #2 for Owen. Receive phone call from the neighbor who is feeding my parents' cats while they are in South America saying they haven't been able to get into the house in four days and do I have a key?
2:00-5:00 Stuff children into car, drive 45 minutes to my parents' house, feed cats. Keep Owen from climbing the slippery wood stairs. Keep Owen from destroying a shelf of framed pictures conveniently located four inches off the floor. Keep Owen from cramming various pieces of the cats into his mouth. Council Mia on how to get cats to allow her to pet them. Try to keep Mia from rubbing cats directly against her eyeballs. Provide snacks. Drive an hour home, stupid traffic.
5:00-8:00 Get home. Make dinner. Make alternate dinner for Mia. Make alternate dinner for Owen. Set table, serve dinner, feed Owen, get up eight times to retrieve items for children, bolt own (cold) dinner in between above. Clear table, sweep floor with Owen in the Ergo so he doesn't treat himself to a Floor Buffet. Take kids upstairs, get both kids into pajamas, brush Mia's teeth, entertain Owen while Chris reads to Mia. Put Mia to bed. Put Owen to bed. Collapse onto couch.
8:30 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth.
9:30 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth.
9:45 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth.
9:55 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth. Give up and take Owen to bed with me.
10:30 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth.
11:15 Owen wakes up to protest the indignity of getting new teeth.