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Extended Similie

A thirteen month old baby is like that really bad boyfriend you had back when you were young and stupid.

You know, the one who you made him all his favorite foods for dinner and he just threw it on the floor and yelled at you and then never even apologized because he'd had a long day or something so you were supposed to understand. And then he walks off to play his xylophone Nintendo while you clean up the mess.

The one who never had any money, so every time you go out you have to pay for everything. And soon you are buying him clothes and shoes and a new stroller motorcycle.

The one who you don't hear from all evening and then there he is at midnight wanting to hop into bed with you and he's saying "Come on, we'll just cuddle" but you know as soon as he is there he's going to be grabbing your boobs all night.

The one who won't keep his hands off of you, and at first you thought it was cute but eventually you want to say "Dude, we are in the middle of the grocery store. Could you keep your hands out of my bra for ten minutes?"

And he won't let you see your friends, and when you try he always comes along and behaves so badly that you have to leave. He won't even let you talk to them on the phone. As soon as you try he's all wanting to talk to you or he needs you to change his diaper iron his shirt and then he screams at you for no reason for hours and by the time he storms off to bed and goes to sleep it is too late to call back.

And he's always getting into trouble and calling you to bail him out. Like, Hey, Mama Baby, I climbed up onto the kitchen table crashed my car again and I don't know how to get down I'm a little drunk, so can you come help me out here? And as soon as you help him, he doesn't even say thank you but just does the exact same thing again and you have to save his ass again.

And every time you are ready to throw in the towel, you think but he needs me, and just yesterday he brought me a chunk of banana that he chewed and then spit out and then crammed in my mouth before I noticed what he was doing flowers, and he smells so good, and before you know it your resolve is gone and you are there for years.

But with the bad boyfriend, you know that as soon as you kick him out he's just going to do it again to the next girl. The baby you can at least insure that he will never be anybody's really bad boyfriend again.

Comments (34)

Plus, when you're old and senile you can count on the baby. You can even return the banana favor.

I'm curious, are you obsessed with breastfeeding? Your kid is 13 months old already, he likes playing with boobs, so what?? Wean the kid already and shut up about it. Oh, I forgot, you're one of those overprotective douche bag SAHM's that like to coddle their babies until they leave for college..Maybe he'll still be breastfeeding then too, lucky you. Get a life already, geez.

Apparently, Sally was never breastfed. Look how mean she turned out.

Simply brilliant...I LOVED IT!!!

This was awesome, very unlike Sally. I love when those trolls don't link to themselves, don't you?

of course Sally was never breastfed, she was clearly raised by a ship full of drunken pirates...just look at that language!

and Beth, the post- HILARIOUS!

Yes! Very well-written post. Absolutely *brilliant*!

That's what I was going to say before I read Sally's comment.

I love it! LOL

lol Beth, that was great!

This was freaking hilarious. I wasn't going to comment because I am also a douchebag and also prefer spending my time being overprotective and coddling my babies but I kind of felt the need to add a positive comment to counter any assholes among us. It really did crack me up mostly, sadly, because it is so true. Usually my positive comments don't include the words douchebag and asshole but I hope you will forgive it this time.

OMG Beth you are SO RIGHT! How come I never spotted that?!

And what's with 'Sally'?! Poor Sally, maybe we should pity her. Evidently she's been unable to breastfeed her own children and has mammary envy?!

This was truly spot-on, Beth! I was laughing before I even had my morning coffee--great way to kick off the week :)

As an aside--I would like to say that my children are not breastfed and I can guarantee that they will not turn out like Sally. Maybe those kind of "insults" thrown about are hurtful to more than just trolls? Think before you type, right? Just sayin', ladies!!

That is just too funny!!!

[sigh] would that the world were so black & white.

I loved this. I spent a lot of time developing similies (in my head) as I've gone along with this whole parenting thing. Helped to keep me sane! Or maybe just less insane... (mine have been mostly comparisons to old Simpsons episodes, however)

Just as an additional anecdotal item, I stopped BF my 3yo son a long ago and he still tries to play with my breasts. Moreso than my 2 girls ever did.

Sally has some unresolved ISSUES!

I loved it and how true it is very cute post.

OMG it is so true.

I get such a kick out of how this troll is so angry about breastfeeding. I mean there's nothing better in the world to get all angry about? Really? Not famine in Africa or massive government bailouts or the subjugation of Chinese dissidents? Yeah, breastfeeding. That's what we should get our panties in a wad about.

Spot on post ;) Loved it!

And this is why you're my favorite blogger in the world.

I DID breastfeed my youngest until he was 15 months old, would STILL be breastfeeeding him if he would have kept wanting to, and not only does he still love my breasts, he is also obsessed with everyone else's-and I love it. : )

Oh no! I DID wean my son at 13 months, and he STILL grabs my boobs all the time (at 17 months)! I need to get him into counseling so he doesn't still do it in college!

Hilarious, Beth!

Wow. Couple weeks ago I wrote a post over at my place about a certain crass gynecological term I wouldn't say, especially to women, as it is the mother of all degrading terms. Turns out I can just substitute the word "sally" from now on.

This is a brilliant and perfect comparison. Raise your children right and they won't turn out like "Sally" - however she was fed, I bet it involved dirt.

What a great post! I guess I never linked the two together cause I never had a boyfriend when I was younger. LOL

Very well done.

Oh my god. That was so spot on. Of course, then you have to worry about what happens if you have a 13 month old with the really bad boyfriend. I'll give you a hint: your second commenter may be one of them. As is my (now 32 month old) daughter.

This had me laughing! Thank you for that!

And then my buzz was killed by Sally's comment. So sorry Beth. Your hilarious post didn't deserve that.

Brilliant Beth Fish!!! I am wondering if this holds true for goats as well...or extremely stubborn donkeys...minus the breastfeeding of course...

Heh nice comparison!

Brillant! A classic (can blogs be classic? I think so.)

Well, my son is 9 now and was only nursed until just under a year BUT he still has a somewhat concerning fascination with breasts, bras and the like. I'm not saying he's back to it as I may have expected - he never left it! That and Downy and laundry, hmmm . . . car seat on the dryer mean anything?

Loved the story though!

Dude, I had a boyfriend exactly like that. How did I never draw the parallel lines between him and my kids?

Sorry Lane, I meant no offense to mothers who do not breastfeed. Any offense was meant entirely for 'Sally'!

Interestingly none of my boys are interested in boobs. My daughter stopped bfing at about a year and is now 18mths - is still fascinated with them.

I was coming in here to say that your extended similie made me smile. Then I read Sally's comment and smiled too - I thought surely this was a friend taking the piss and being funny and then I realised no, in fact just a nasty mole. Goodness me! Wow...

I actually laughed (out loud, for real). This was an extremely funny one. You have humor oozing out of you lately, Beth! And since I have experience with not only breastfeeding, but then sending that same kid off to college, no worries, sally! Not only did he wean on his own, he also started wiping his own butt and all that stuff. Oh yeah- and he can drive, and do really hard math, and he even has had several sweet girlfriends, too.

Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I laughed so much at this post that I think some pee came out. :)

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