A thirteen month old baby is like that really bad boyfriend you had back when you were young and stupid.
You know, the one who you made him all his favorite foods for dinner and he just threw it on the floor and yelled at you and then never even apologized because he'd had a long day or something so you were supposed to understand. And then he walks off to play his xylophone Nintendo while you clean up the mess.
The one who never had any money, so every time you go out you have to pay for everything. And soon you are buying him clothes and shoes and a new stroller motorcycle.
The one who you don't hear from all evening and then there he is at midnight wanting to hop into bed with you and he's saying "Come on, we'll just cuddle" but you know as soon as he is there he's going to be grabbing your boobs all night.
The one who won't keep his hands off of you, and at first you thought it was cute but eventually you want to say "Dude, we are in the middle of the grocery store. Could you keep your hands out of my bra for ten minutes?"
And he won't let you see your friends, and when you try he always comes along and behaves so badly that you have to leave. He won't even let you talk to them on the phone. As soon as you try he's all wanting to talk to you or he needs you to change his diaper iron his shirt and then he screams at you for no reason for hours and by the time he storms off to bed and goes to sleep it is too late to call back.
And he's always getting into trouble and calling you to bail him out. Like, Hey, Mama Baby, I climbed up onto the kitchen table crashed my car again and I don't know how to get down I'm a little drunk, so can you come help me out here? And as soon as you help him, he doesn't even say thank you but just does the exact same thing again and you have to save his ass again.
And every time you are ready to throw in the towel, you think but he needs me, and just yesterday he brought me a chunk of banana that he chewed and then spit out and then crammed in my mouth before I noticed what he was doing flowers, and he smells so good, and before you know it your resolve is gone and you are there for years.
But with the bad boyfriend, you know that as soon as you kick him out he's just going to do it again to the next girl. The baby you can at least insure that he will never be anybody's really bad boyfriend again.
Comments (34)
Plus, when you're old and senile you can count on the baby. You can even return the banana favor.
Posted by Swistle | March 30, 2009 8:46 AM
I'm curious, are you obsessed with breastfeeding? Your kid is 13 months old already, he likes playing with boobs, so what?? Wean the kid already and shut up about it. Oh, I forgot, you're one of those overprotective douche bag SAHM's that like to coddle their babies until they leave for college..Maybe he'll still be breastfeeding then too, lucky you. Get a life already, geez.
Posted by sally | March 30, 2009 8:55 AM
Apparently, Sally was never breastfed. Look how mean she turned out.
Posted by Roses | March 30, 2009 9:04 AM
Simply brilliant...I LOVED IT!!!
Posted by Jen | March 30, 2009 9:12 AM
This was awesome, very unlike Sally. I love when those trolls don't link to themselves, don't you?
Posted by JuJuBee | March 30, 2009 9:25 AM
of course Sally was never breastfed, she was clearly raised by a ship full of drunken pirates...just look at that language!
and Beth, the post- HILARIOUS!
Posted by chatty cricket | March 30, 2009 9:26 AM
Yes! Very well-written post. Absolutely *brilliant*!
That's what I was going to say before I read Sally's comment.
Posted by Roses | March 30, 2009 9:47 AM
I love it! LOL
Posted by Anita | March 30, 2009 9:52 AM
lol Beth, that was great!
Posted by js | March 30, 2009 9:56 AM
This was freaking hilarious. I wasn't going to comment because I am also a douchebag and also prefer spending my time being overprotective and coddling my babies but I kind of felt the need to add a positive comment to counter any assholes among us. It really did crack me up mostly, sadly, because it is so true. Usually my positive comments don't include the words douchebag and asshole but I hope you will forgive it this time.
Posted by Em | March 30, 2009 10:18 AM
OMG Beth you are SO RIGHT! How come I never spotted that?!
And what's with 'Sally'?! Poor Sally, maybe we should pity her. Evidently she's been unable to breastfeed her own children and has mammary envy?!
Posted by mamacrow | March 30, 2009 10:30 AM
This was truly spot-on, Beth! I was laughing before I even had my morning coffee--great way to kick off the week :)
As an aside--I would like to say that my children are not breastfed and I can guarantee that they will not turn out like Sally. Maybe those kind of "insults" thrown about are hurtful to more than just trolls? Think before you type, right? Just sayin', ladies!!
Posted by Lane | March 30, 2009 10:55 AM
That is just too funny!!!
Posted by Adi | March 30, 2009 11:22 AM
[sigh] would that the world were so black & white.
I loved this. I spent a lot of time developing similies (in my head) as I've gone along with this whole parenting thing. Helped to keep me sane! Or maybe just less insane... (mine have been mostly comparisons to old Simpsons episodes, however)
Just as an additional anecdotal item, I stopped BF my 3yo son a long ago and he still tries to play with my breasts. Moreso than my 2 girls ever did.
Posted by harmzie | March 30, 2009 11:30 AM
Sally has some unresolved ISSUES!
I loved it and how true it is very cute post.
Posted by Michelle | March 30, 2009 11:34 AM
OMG it is so true.
I get such a kick out of how this troll is so angry about breastfeeding. I mean there's nothing better in the world to get all angry about? Really? Not famine in Africa or massive government bailouts or the subjugation of Chinese dissidents? Yeah, breastfeeding. That's what we should get our panties in a wad about.
Posted by Leah | March 30, 2009 11:37 AM
Spot on post ;) Loved it!
Posted by Tatiana | March 30, 2009 11:48 AM
And this is why you're my favorite blogger in the world.
Posted by Mr Lady | March 30, 2009 11:57 AM
I DID breastfeed my youngest until he was 15 months old, would STILL be breastfeeeding him if he would have kept wanting to, and not only does he still love my breasts, he is also obsessed with everyone else's-and I love it. : )
Posted by Kori | March 30, 2009 1:19 PM
Oh no! I DID wean my son at 13 months, and he STILL grabs my boobs all the time (at 17 months)! I need to get him into counseling so he doesn't still do it in college!
Hilarious, Beth!
Posted by Joceline | March 30, 2009 1:49 PM
Wow. Couple weeks ago I wrote a post over at my place about a certain crass gynecological term I wouldn't say, especially to women, as it is the mother of all degrading terms. Turns out I can just substitute the word "sally" from now on.
Posted by Chris | March 30, 2009 2:19 PM
This is a brilliant and perfect comparison. Raise your children right and they won't turn out like "Sally" - however she was fed, I bet it involved dirt.
Posted by Shelly | March 30, 2009 2:29 PM
What a great post! I guess I never linked the two together cause I never had a boyfriend when I was younger. LOL
Very well done.
Posted by Robina | March 30, 2009 2:47 PM
Oh my god. That was so spot on. Of course, then you have to worry about what happens if you have a 13 month old with the really bad boyfriend. I'll give you a hint: your second commenter may be one of them. As is my (now 32 month old) daughter.
Posted by Zoeyjane | March 30, 2009 4:54 PM
This had me laughing! Thank you for that!
And then my buzz was killed by Sally's comment. So sorry Beth. Your hilarious post didn't deserve that.
Posted by Jenna | March 30, 2009 5:24 PM
Brilliant Beth Fish!!! I am wondering if this holds true for goats as well...or extremely stubborn donkeys...minus the breastfeeding of course...
Posted by Sarah | March 30, 2009 9:22 PM
Heh nice comparison!
Posted by Heather | March 30, 2009 10:46 PM
Brillant! A classic (can blogs be classic? I think so.)
Posted by Not Your Aunt Bea | March 30, 2009 11:04 PM
Well, my son is 9 now and was only nursed until just under a year BUT he still has a somewhat concerning fascination with breasts, bras and the like. I'm not saying he's back to it as I may have expected - he never left it! That and Downy and laundry, hmmm . . . car seat on the dryer mean anything?
Loved the story though!
Posted by Lesley | March 31, 2009 12:05 AM
Dude, I had a boyfriend exactly like that. How did I never draw the parallel lines between him and my kids?
Posted by Veronica | March 31, 2009 2:16 AM
Sorry Lane, I meant no offense to mothers who do not breastfeed. Any offense was meant entirely for 'Sally'!
Interestingly none of my boys are interested in boobs. My daughter stopped bfing at about a year and is now 18mths - is still fascinated with them.
Posted by mamacrow | March 31, 2009 9:01 AM
I was coming in here to say that your extended similie made me smile. Then I read Sally's comment and smiled too - I thought surely this was a friend taking the piss and being funny and then I realised no, in fact just a nasty mole. Goodness me! Wow...
Posted by Beth | March 31, 2009 5:47 PM
I actually laughed (out loud, for real). This was an extremely funny one. You have humor oozing out of you lately, Beth! And since I have experience with not only breastfeeding, but then sending that same kid off to college, no worries, sally! Not only did he wean on his own, he also started wiping his own butt and all that stuff. Oh yeah- and he can drive, and do really hard math, and he even has had several sweet girlfriends, too.
Posted by Tina | March 31, 2009 8:39 PM
Brilliant. Simply brilliant. I laughed so much at this post that I think some pee came out. :)
Posted by CJ | April 11, 2009 1:10 AM