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At least I have a new answer to "What was your most embarrassing moment?"

It all started innocently enough...

I took the kids to the grocery store yesterday (bananas, veggie sausage, napkins). As we were walking across the front of the store (think bananas to frozen veggie sausage), we passed a woman who was walking from the front of the store to the back (think bananas to the deli counter). She paused to smile and coo a bit at my kids, told them how cute they were, we smiled at each other and then all went our own separate ways.

A few minutes later, I found myself walking across the back of the store, and noticed the same woman standing in line at the pharmacy. And then I noticed that she had toilet paper sticking out of the top of her pants in the back. It wasn't even subtle. Oh no - she had a considerable amount of toilet paper sticking out of her pants. It was in two places, really, on both sides, and looked to me like maybe she had used a public bathroom and covered the seat with paper and then somehow forgotten about it and swooped the whole deal up into her pants. I admit that I kept right on going. I hate telling people something like that, because it is embarrassing for them and embarrassing for me and so I tend to just leave the job to someone with better-developed social graces (which is nearly everybody, I am the embodiment of awkward).

But as I got two and then three and then four steps past this woman, my conscience got the better of me. I mean, we had passed a pleasant moment in front of the cookies and crackers aisle not five minutes before. She had acted kindly toward my children. And she had this problem that could happen to anyone, and was I really not going to tell her about it? That seemed like, I don't know, a violation of the Social Contract or something. I decided something had to be done, and I had to be the one to do it.

So I backed up with my grocery cart with the big plastic red car on the front and sidled over to this woman and said rather quietly in her ear "Excuse me, Ma'am, but you seem to have a bit of toilet paper stuck in your pants." And she said "My goodness" and reached around to try to grab it and I was trying to direct her and - well, you know how things can sometimes get confusing behind your back? She just wasn't getting the job done. So I decided that I would have to help her. And at this point I was fairly well horrified at myself, because was I really about to touch someone else's toilet paper which had been put to I knew not what original purpose? Why yes, it seemed that I was. So I told myself that being the good person sometimes meant squicking yourself right the hell out and that it was nothing that copious amounts of soap and hand sanitizer couldn't cure.

So I grabbed both visible ends of the toilet paper and pulled. And it didn't come out. I remembered my t.p. on the seat theory and figured she could have quite a bit of the stuff down there, so I pulled harder. And then I came to realize, all too, entirely too, egregiously too slowly, that it wasn't toilet paper after all. It was her adult diaper.

And I... well.. my god. What do you say to a woman who was innocently minding her own business when you decided to walk over and give her a Depends wedgie? I stammered something along the lines of "baah weeb gittlert maop" and ran away as fast as I could. Which wasn't very fast since I had that land yacht of an impossible to steer plastic car cart and I couldn't very well just abandon the children there by the diabetic supplies, now could I?

So I got away, escaped over to dairy. And then I crawled in behind the orange juice and died. Very sad, really, I know how much you will miss me.

Comments (59)

Oh my lord how I needed that this morning. I can totally see myself doing this. Did Mia ask what you were doing to the lady because that? Oh that would have put me into a fit of laughter that I possibly could never have recovered from. Thanks for that great morning laugh that we could all use.

dear lord, this is a very embarrassing story! I have had embarrassing stuffs happening to me before but I get so embarrassed, I don't tell anyone and I force myself to forget.
Thanks for sharing, this is making my insomnia a little better (it's 4.40 am where I leave and I have been bright awake for a solid 2 hours. No sign of going back to sleep anytime soon, this is going to hurt tomorrow!)

I think I just wet myself.

Laughing of course.

It's always funny when it's someone else.

It totally sounds like something that's happened to me. Very rarely do I open my mouth for the same reasons as you, but on the rare occasion that I do, it usually turns into an embarrassing disaster. You've learned your lesson, I hope. Go back to shielding your eyes, keep your mouth shut and leave the good deeding to the rest of the world. ;)

OMG, I'm dying over here! Too funny! I guess you won't be playing Good Samaritan any time again soon, huh?


What did the children think?! Did Mia tell everyone for the rest of the day that you pulled someone's underwear out of her pants??

Oh my god. Beth, this just takes the cake.

I thought I saw you going into... let's call it "the firemen's grocery" Saturday afternoon but was crossing the fire lane and didn't stop. I waved, the Maybe-You waved but we were both hurrying out of the way of traffic. This story brings it back to my memory. Was it you?

Oh. My. Lord.

I'm trying desperately not to disturb my students' industrious quiz-taking with peals of raucous laughter, but every time I think of that WEDGIE...

That's what you get for trying to do a good deed.

OMG! My boss just came in to see what I was laughing so hard about and then I snorted! I would have crawled away to die too! But...damn! I'm so glad you shared that with us! That totally made my morning!


suddenly my day of housework and throwing up seems heavenly!


I mean - Beth you POOOOR thing. could have happened to anyone.


Oh my. Words escape me. But I laughed so hard that I think I may have even let a little fart out along with my hysterical giggling.

I can't even pretend I'm laughing with you, instead of right at you.
Aww, but your heart was in the right place and that's what counts, right? Ha ha ha ha ha
What's that saying about no good deed goes unpunished...

AAUUGGHH. The part about "embodiment of awkward" struck a chord. I can barely make decent small-talk at the cashier. I don't try with these kinds of things because they *always* end up worse.

So I'm sitting here with my intestines churning for you.

I'm fired now for laughing out loud at work, but OMG!! Poor you!!

"Depends wedgie"

Not to make it worse (but, yet, I will), which one of you realized what was going on first? I mean, suppose she knew after the first tug that it wasn't toilet paper at all. How many tugs did you give her after she realized you were yanking on her undies? And perhaps she thought it'd be rude to tell you to stop trying to help?

Oh, the irony!

Oh, dear, dear Beth. That? Is awesome. As soon I start getting stressed and freaked about my exam today, I will just think, "Depends wedgie" and everything will be all right again ;)

Oh. My. Gah.

You have just taken the title of Most Embarrassing Moment Followed By Best Blog Fodder Ever.

Oh my GOD. That is mortifying. And yet, you were really just trying to help and she knew that. She didn't want her diaper sticking out and you solved that, one way or another. I'm sure she wasn't expecting that option though.

Can't. stop. laughing.

I made my husband read it, and when he was done, he said:

"What would you do in this situation?"


Which then set me off into more gales of laughter.

Okay I'm crying here. That is the funniest effing thing I've read in awhile. And totally something that I would.

Then I saw Alison's comment above mine and got started all over again.

I've had the worst week ever. You're sharing this just made me laugh for the first time all week. Thanks.

OMG!! That would be the most embarassing thing ever!!

OMG! That is so funny...Probably not so much for you but I am so glad you shared because I am dying of laughter over here!!!

Now I have one more reason that I must take xanax before I go to the grocery store. I would have totally had a panic attack and probably would have had to call the hubs to pick-up the pieces left of me. ;)

I am late to entertain some Chileans and so I can't write anything funny or clever or witty but OMG Beth...that is freaking hilarious. I can't stop laughing. Totally cracked me up. TOTALLY.

BWAHAHAHA! Funniest blog story ever! It just went from bad to worse, didn't it?

Holy Jesus GOD.

I am here at work, rocking under my desk for you out of sheer horror.

I'm going to start baiting you by sticking things out of my pants to see if you'll pull them out. Shirt-tails? A napkin? Tickle Me Elmo?

Sorry, I guess that's mean. And here it is, the day after Say Nice Things About Beth Day, and I'm being nasty.

I guess sometimes movements like that can generate backlash.

Love it. You know it's a successful story (if albeit very painful to read) when you laugh out loud and walk away still chuckling. Thanks for the giggle!


OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooh !

I had to re-read your blog today... cauze I was laughing so hard,,, my makeup was running,,, and my nose was running,,, all I can say is...

"baah weeb gittlert maop"

OMG. There are no words.

I have to tell you - I feel worse for the lady whose depends you were trying to yank out . . .

oh my!!!!!!!! HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!! I would have left my cart and just left the store!!!!!!!

oh my!!!!!!!! HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!! I would have left my cart and just left the store!!!!!!!

That is funny. LOL!!

Oh - how I needed that laugh today! Thanks.

Oh my GOD HILARIOUS!!! I don't mean to laugh at your expense, but I totally am right now!

I actually gasped in horror and covered my mouth with my hand when I read "adult diaper." Oh Beth.

Funny story! Funny, too, that I recently put my embarrassing moment on my blog and invited others to share those. Enjoy.

I have never been more attracted to you in my whole life.

wow. I think I would have died too. But I think you deserve points for trying to help.

Weeellll...maybe she was so distracted by the utter beauty of your kids that she didn't really care that you yanked on her "underpants" ?

I just laughed sooo hard... good job at trying to help, but omg, Depends wedgie?

At least she has a good story to tell her family now!

That is hilarious. At least you didn't pull out poopy toilet paper. I thought that was where you were going.
Are you ever helping anyone again?

I am crying. I tried to read the highlights aloud to the husband but had to stop at points I was laughing so hard. Wonderful writing. At least the awkwardness made for some happy blog readers!

We would definitely miss you, Beth.

But .... thank you, thank you, thank you. I have laughed so much in a long time. This is why I would walk on by.

I told my mom that story and she laughed so hard she *might* have peed her pants. Although I think she is now concerned about wearing adult diapers in the future for that problem due to a possible diaper wedgie.

ohhhh... Beth.....

Sorry for the awkward situation, but thank you for being brave enough to share it with all of us...

Thank you for the laughter tears. ;-)

That was the best thing I've read in a long, long, time. I don't laugh out loud easily, and I snorted so loud my cube neighbor asked if I was okay.
Thank you for sharing this!

Oh, that is just too funny! I actually snorted while laughing!

Maybe your experience is why our more experienced-in-life members of society wear their pants so high?

OMG. OMG. OMG. You've thrown karma into a never-before-seen tizzy trying to figure out how to treat you after this.

That was very funny. And beautifully told, if I may say so. You will never be able to go to that shop again.

That was very brave of you to share....THANK YOU for the TREMENDOUS LAUGH you just gave me!!!

So I guess it's safe to say you'll go back to NOT telling someone when they have something embarassing stuck on them? Just a hunch....

Oh. my. god. I don't usually comment, but I had to tell you how hard this made me laugh. Even my baby started laughing when he heard me.

I'm waiting for the dog to join in, because we're STILL laughing.

No one will be able to top your embarrassing moment story, ever.

Oh my goodness that made me laugh. But you missed a trick there - that story would have been a perfect "What happened next? Guesses in the comments" post and you would have got a HUGE response (bigger than Chris has ever had!)

You crack me up Beth! I have no idea what I would have done! Poor you, poor lady.

Honestly, the funniest story ever. I think I just woke up the kids by laughing so hard.

Oh My God! How mortifying. But what a great story!

OMG. This is the funniest thing I've seen in awhile. LOLOLOLOL

I am trying not to wake the kids up with my laughter! I'm sorry it was at your expense, but that is the best story I've heard in a while. Thanks for making my day, you are my hero.

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So the Fish Said...

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