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Beth Goes to the Dentist, and Other Stories

Mia and I went to the dentist today, and my the internal monologue accompanying my bi-annual re-acquaintance with my dentist went something like this:

  • Damn, my dentist is sort of hot.
  • No, my dentist is undeniably hot.
  • Why didn't I remember that my dentist was hot?
  • This is the sort of thing one would remember.
  • I mean, he's been my dentist for a couple of years now.
  • And yeah, definitely hot.
  • How could I have missed this?
  • (My dentist begins speaking.)
  • Damn, my dentist is sort of annoying.
  • No, my dentist is undeniably annoying.
  • The annoying totally counteracts the hotness.
  • My dentist is not hot.

Probably for the best anyway, as I suspect there is some sort of One Hot Medical Professional Per Person quota system, and I'd rather use mine on someone I see regularly, like, say, a pediatrician, maybe, instead of on someone I see just twice a year.


In other news, Chris sent me to have a massage on Monday (and then he cooked me dinner) (no, you can't have him), and the massage guy told me I was getting a "Swedish massage with peripherals." I was pretty shocked, really, as this was at a national chain spa and also it seemed out of character for Chris to arrange for me to get "peripherals" from some random dude, but then it turned out that it was really just a warm towel for my feet and crap like that. I suggested they be more specific in future, just to avoid this kind of confusion.


In the past week, Owen has learned how to turn doorknobs, remove "child-proof" plugs from outlets, and operate two separate kinds of cabinet locks. So when I'm not using him I just duct tape him to the couch. Works out very well.


Quick Quiz! Looking up property tax records for old boyfriends to see how much they paid for their houses is:
a) harmless curiosity
b) the sign of really needing a life
c) stalking
d) you can do that? Sorry, I gotta go.

Comments (28)

I totally look up the tax records of old boyfriends! I am befuddled as to how my ex, a teacher, affords a near million dollar home and near million dollar beach condo. What the hell does his wife do for a living? I've tried, can't find anything on her, so I've ruled out doctor or lawyer.

Obsess much? Why, yes I do!

D all the way.

Answer to the quiz is D.

I'm such a nerd, I heard the word "peripherals" and I thought, "they give you a keyboard & mouse with a massage? WTF?"

I thought of "peripherals" was a fancy way of saying "happy ending".

And D, definitely.

A. And also, you've got to get yourself to -- you can look through charts to see how the property value of their houses may have risen or fallen and you can also look at satellite images of all the crap in their yards from different angles. told me that the nearly million dollar home is now worth about half that! HA

The door knobs! My 18 month old and the doorknobs! How does he know how to do that? Shouldn't I have a few more months of closing the doors of the 'dangerous rooms' (bathroom)? The doorknobs!

Looking up property tax records for old boyfriends to see how much they paid for their houses is:
(e) a perfectly reasonable use of your time...and fun.

Wait - you can really do that? Something else to add to the Facebook-Twitter-Blogging addiction also known as my life when I am not working for the people who actually pay me.

When we had our house inspected before buying it, the inspector couldn't figure out how to open the cabinets in the kitchen and bathroom. It turns out there was a TOT Lock system on them. The things aren't even close to cheap, but they work well. They kept the key on their exhaust fan over the stove. And then they left the things when they moved out, but our kids don't bother the cabinets, so we just don't set them to lock. You want them?

Looking up property tax records for old boyfriends to see how much they paid for their houses is:
(e) a perfectly reasonable use of your time...and fun.

D! D! Definitely D!

and you have comiserations on the childlock thing. Mine do that too.

None of my exes even own their own homes yet but I do it for everyone else all the time. Shhh.

Haha I didn't know you could do that! I wonder if there's a similar Canadian site.

(PS - I have a hot dentist. And no pediatrician. :P )



Duct tape is handy stuff. Love it.

You can have MORE than one if there are Moderating Circumstances. For example, our pediatrician is hot but in a "generation too old for me" category, so I can also have dentist who's hot but a decade too young for me. Your dentist is annoying, so you can have him in addition to your hot pediatrician.

Tax records? OMG. How?

I didn't know you could or I please :-)

Re: Chris

If I can't "have" him, can I maybe just borrow him twice a year on the days you go to the dentist?

Yeah, the massage and dinner and all does kind of make me want to borrow him- if just for osmotic purposes with some time spent with my fiance :-)

Peripherals! Ha! That would definitely have made me a bit twitchy until I realized what he meant!!
Specifications would be a wise idea :-)

Clearly, D is the correct answer. And now, I have to go.

I vote for a, b, c and d. I'd so do it.

ohhh I have TOTALLY done it. Not only on old boyfriends. I really just enjoy stalking people I meet randomly. All you need is their name and/or address. (ha! i'm totally kidding I SWEAR)

I have only met one Dentist who was semi-normal but still very annoying. All the rest I have come across totally fall in the annoying as hell category.

Can we please have your husband talk to mine so he can get a few pointers at least?!

I LOVE Duct Tape!


D all the way!

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