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Story of My Life

Hello! I am wearing green underwear with white stripes today! I figured I may as well tell you, since everyone else in the world already knows, thanks to the gaping hole in the ass of my pants that Chris pointed out to me at 5:00 today. I wore black underwear yesterday, which I mention because I wore the same pants yesterday. I forget what underwear I wore on Sunday, but yup, I wore the same pants. I wore them several times last week too, and really there is no saying how long that hole has been there or how many people have been touring my daily underwear choices.

Faithful readers will realize that this is the third time in four years I have wandered brazenly around in public with the ass falling out of my pants. Do you think my ass is to blame? Do I have a Highly Destructive Ass in some way? I'm starting to wonder.

I've had these particular ass-less pants, and worn and washed them often, for four years, and they were cheap Old Navy pants, so it isn't like I didn't get my money's worth from them. But I had been wearing them so often lately because I only have two pairs of "everyday" pants that currently fit in an acceptable manner (some pants are too big, some too small) (ok, most are too small) and my other pants, which are a pair of severely fraying jeans, have developed A Smell. They smell like dirty laundry. Really dirty laundry. And they are clean! They smelled like that when they came out of the dryer. And I washed them again and thought it was better until I put them on and I lasted four minutes before I ripped them off my body and hurled them down to the basement for another round in the washer. The jury is still out on the latest attempt.

Clearly, I need some new pants. I am willing to buy new pants. I have nothing planned for tomorrow and know the way to the mall. However, in order to go shopping, I have to choose between ass-less pants and smelly pants. It is a very tough call.

Comments (21)

Your weather is supposed to be sort of decent ish in the afternoon, isn't it? Perhaps you can wear a skirt and boots :)

Perhaps a skirt?

Have you tried washing your smelly pants with a half cup of white vinegar?

this post made me laugh. hopefully with you, not at you. i hate that! my favorite anthro yoga pants (aka my every day of the week pants) just split in the back.
and what is it with denim that all of a sudden develops a mildew smell that takes millions of washings to get out? i just don't know...

this post made me laugh. hopefully with you, not at you. i hate that! my favorite anthro yoga pants (aka my every day of the week pants) just split in the back.
and what is it with denim that all of a sudden develops a mildew smell that takes millions of washings to get out? i just don't know...

Hehehehehe! Go with the ass-less because even though everyone else will have to look at your ass at least you won't have to deal with that smell! I have a tank top that is currently doing that and it is really chapping my hide {no pun intended!}. ;)

Is it possible that your ass is partially composed of some sort of acid that's making the fabric of your pants disintegrate? I mean, I'm just wondering. It DOES seem like you have an awful lot of ass-less pants.

If it were me, I would choose the pants that are too big, so that when I was clothes shopping I could feel really good about trying on pants a size or two smaller than what I wore in there. Plus, no gaping hole :)

I use white vinegar and baking soda in my regular wash to combat insistent odors. When possible, I dry them outside--not currently an option here in the northeast, but I have been known to use my screened in back porch in a pinch.


Vinegar in the wash, a LOT of it, takes The Smell Out. Even if you forget them in the washer for, oh, we'll say a week and a half because that's SUCH an outlandish (realistic) length of time to go without using one's washer (I did it a week and a half ago) that it's over-making my point (which is very stringently tested.)

Vinegar. Save your pants.

For the record, I change my pants every day, but I own 4 pairs of underwear. That's all I'm going to say about that...

Baking soda might help. I've never tried it with vinegar, but that doesn't sound unreasonable.


I wear mostly brown and black pants to work. I fear the ass showing (as it has happened) that I own mostly brown and black underwear that I coordinate with my work pants...just in CASE. I need therapy I'm sure for this.

Wear the holey ones to the mall, with the green striped underwear. Then when someone moves in to pinch you for not wearing green you can use the ol' "I'm wearing green underwear! Ha!" and BE ABLE TO PROVE IT. You can thank me later.

Wash, add vinegar to the rinse cycle, add extra rinse cycle and downey. If they still smell after that, there is something terribly wrong. Toss'em!!!

I just got some Gap jeans from the Salvation Army because I have one, count it ONE, pair of acceptable everyday pants. I too had a pair wear out in the butt, but they were from Target and I wore them approximately a zillion. But oh how I loved them....

Ah, I feel your pain. I'm down to one pair of "outside the house" pants that fit. I wear sweatpants in the house so that my one pair stays clean as long as possible, and sometimes change in and out of them 3 or 4 times a day.

On the other hand, I truly loathe clothes shopping, with or without kids, don't like to spend any dollar I don't have to, and am extremely picky, so I'm not all that willing to change my current pants situation.

Viva la comfy pants!

I would wear the ass pants with a long shirt. I would then quickly find pants buy them and change into them. I would have said the smelly ones but you don't want that smell into your new pants or car or skin. There are just some smells you can't get out

Do you have any of that pet deodorizer for furniture? Try dumping some of that in your laundry. It might take care of your pants funk.

In any case, I vote for smelly pants.

Put your smelly pants in the freezer overnight. It will kill the bacteria that is making them smell. Put them in a gigantic ziplock baggie first.

Long time reader of Chris here... I'm with Amy, go with the pants that are too big, so you can feel better when you try n smaller pants that will fit. No panty flashing, no funky smell, and a self-esteem booster. Its a win-win situation!

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