So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

Meet the Fish

I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
I am addicted to chap stick and altoids.
I am freakishly flexible.

World's Most Beautiful Child


World's Most Handsome Child


Other Important Things

Clive Owen

Clive Owen
Pretend Celebrity Boyfriend

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so the fish said...
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My Pain, Your Gain

This is what kudzu looks like:


This is what poison ivy looks like:


This is what you will look like if you confuse the two:


Hey, I was feeling great for about six hours there, so I was clearly due for something new.

How to Impress an Almost-Five-Year-Old

Have an almost-five-year-old that you want to convince you are the coolest person on the planet? Just follow these simple steps:

  1. Get a raging UTI. At midnight, of course. Send your poor husband to the 24-hour drugstore at 4 AM with instructions to smash the pharmacy window and steal all the antibiotics he can find get whatever he can find that has cranberry juice it in.
  2. Start taking cranberry and some other shit too but who cares because oh my hell this sucks pills that turn your pee orange.
  3. See your doctor and score a prescription for sweet, sweet antibiotics and something or other else that turns your pee red.
  4. Invite the almost-five-year-old into the bathroom to admire your hot pink pee.


Tap Tap Tap

My ad network emailed me today to let me know that they were pulling my ads because it had been too long since I updated. I have the feeling that the fact that whoever is assigned to check my blog for the ad network is the only person who has noticed that I have not been posting is probably a good sign that it is time to throw in this particular towel, but I guess I'm not quite ready to go there. (And the ad network did generously offer to allow me to continue advertising their content for free, which I felt was extremely magnanimous.)

I'm not going to blog about blogging, it just seems that these days whenever I have the inclination I don't have the time and whenever I have the time I don't have the inclination. I do, however, have two handy life tips that I feel obliged to share, so here we go.

Tip 1: Do not ever move a piano by yourself. Tip 1 Addendum 1: Do not ever move a piano, a credenza (you people want me to call it a buffet, I don't want to call it a buffet, we are going to continue to call it a credenza), and a play kitchen by yourself. You see, I decided over the weekend that I wanted to move the piano out of the playroom and into the dining room and the play kitchen out of the dining room and into the playroom. I didn't especially want the piano in the dining room, but for the three times a year I use the dining room for guests I did want the option of it being toy-free. Chris and I were going to do it after the kids were in bed on Saturday, but then we spent all of Saturday sorting, organizing, and putting away every damn toy in the house, and we just weren't in the mood. Then on Sunday I felt like hell, so we didn't do it. So then this morning both kids had a low fever that meant we were staying home all day and I decided fuck it, I'm moving the piano. Which I did. It is a spinet (basically a short upright) and is heavy and would not have been that hard to move except that one of the wheels is broken and gouges the everloving heck out of the wood floors so I had to put down a series of rugs and push the piano onto and over each of those rugs and down the hall and into the dining room and then turn it 180 degrees to get it where the credenza was. The credenza went where the kitchen was and the kitchen went where the piano was. I like the playroom 500 times better (I also replaced the rug in there with a much smaller $60 job from Target) and the dining room 23 times better and as soon as I finish typing I am going to call my local hospital to reserve a room with full traction. Never move a piano by yourself, people. The only benefit is that I got to hear Chris call me insane (entirely true, I do this sort of thing a lot) and also did not have to have the series of arguments that would inevitable have ensued had Chris and I tried to move the piano together.

Tip 2: If you are ever driving through Virginia and happen to be passing Williamsburg, do not, for any reason, get off the highway. I don't care if you are hungry, dying to pee, or desperate for gas. Hell, I don't care if you spring a sudden, gushing leak from your carotid artery, don't stop. Stop a town before, stop a town after, but if you stop in Williamsburg you will not be able to find what you are looking for, then you will get lost, then you will finally find what you are looking for and finally make it back onto the highway an hour and a half later to find that you have managed to backtrack 15 miles and have to make it past the Williamsburg vortex yet again before achieving the safety of the other side. You have been warned.

Bonus Mommyblogger Moment: I just signed Mia up for the neighborhood swim team, which means two months of five-times-a-week practice and twice-a-week meets. Here begineth my servitude to the suburban youth sports cabal.

Double Bonus Question of the Day:
Do you have a sure-let's-move-heavy-furniture-together relationship, or a I'll-just-move-the-damn-piano-myself-because-at-least-then-I-don't-have-to-argue-about-it relationship?

Owen Makes Moves

"Hey baby, wanna come back to my place? Just give me a minute to park my bulldozer."


"Check out the killer pad."


Dress, Finale

Why yes, our evening/night/morning was lovely, thank you for asking. The babysitters (also known as my fabulous parents) arrived at 3:30 yesterday, we were out the door at 4:00 and checked in to the hotel by 5:00. The hotel was lovely. I showered (was rather nasty from scrubbing my entire house in preparation for my parents staying here), we changed for dinner, and then walked around Chinatown for a while until I was entirely hobbled by my new shoes (flats! Who gets hobbled by flats?), at which point we had come full circle back to our hotel. So we went into the massive courtyard and had a drink at the restaurant there. It is a really lovely place and we enjoyed it, especially since you get to sit outside without staring at traffic. The downside is that there is no breeze in the middle of a courtyard in the middle of a four-story building and it was 92 yesterday, and after a bit we hit the point where we had to leave but fast, so we arrived a little early for our dinner reservation at Oyamel. But we got right in, and had a delicious dinner which included, no lie, french fries topped with cheese and chocolate. They were amazing, and also, I think I just discovered the cure for PMS. After dinner we picked up cupcakes with which to bribe the children upon our return, and one for me which was seriously oh my god the best cake of any kind I have ever eaten. Then it was back to the hotel and straight to sleep, of course. (Hi Mom, thanks for watching the kids!)

This morning I woke up at 5:00 and could not go back to sleep. Figures, right? We eventually headed out for breakfast at the hotel restaurant, then retrieved the car and headed home to the kids, who had taken full advantage of their grandparents in our absence. We spent the rest of the day in the back yard with the wading pool and the swingset and tucked the kids into bed early. Add in a visit from my niece early Saturday afternoon and it all adds up to an entirely lovely weekend and a much-appreciated change of routine.

Oh, right! One or two of you may want to know about the dress! I asked for Chris's vote based on the pictures on Friday night, and he said #3 or #6. Since #6 was not a contender, I took #2 and #3 with me to the hotel, tried them both on for Chris, and he picked #3. So #3 it was, which turned out to be a good choice since I felt good in it, looked nice but not too nice to wander around Chinatown at 5:00 and also because dinner really was delicious and I still fit into my dress at the end. I am definitely returning #1, #5 and #6 (although I really adore #6, but as a couple of you astutely pointed out it doesn't fit me well, so back it goes). I'm obviously keeping #3, will probably also keep #2 and am considering #4 just to have another dress option in the future and not put all of us through this again.

So that is that. Thanks for all the help. You done good, internet.