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How to Impress an Almost-Five-Year-Old

Have an almost-five-year-old that you want to convince you are the coolest person on the planet? Just follow these simple steps:

  1. Get a raging UTI. At midnight, of course. Send your poor husband to the 24-hour drugstore at 4 AM with instructions to smash the pharmacy window and steal all the antibiotics he can find get whatever he can find that has cranberry juice it in.
  2. Start taking cranberry and some other shit too but who cares because oh my hell this sucks pills that turn your pee orange.
  3. See your doctor and score a prescription for sweet, sweet antibiotics and something or other else that turns your pee red.
  4. Invite the almost-five-year-old into the bathroom to admire your hot pink pee.


Comments (13)

OMG! Freakin' been there!!! UTI's are the WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unbelievable and what mother has time to be running to the flippin' potty every 30 seconds? I sooooo hope you are feeling better. Those antibiotics kick in real quick with UTI's!!!!!!!!

Works every time!

I so hope you feel better soon! UTI's are the absolute worst. I am normally the nicest person in the world to customer service people/people on the phone, and I actually yelled at my doctor's on call physician one time when she refused to call in an antibiotic for me late at night over Thanksgiving weekend and I was in agony from a UTI. She kept saying she couldn't be sure that's what I had, and I was shrieking back that I had no doubt. My mom's doctor was kind enough to call one in for me so I could avoid the ER (which surely would have cost me $500 minimum with my crappy insurance).

Haha colourful! I'd be impressed too ;)

Next time skip the UTI altogether and just eat a bunch of beets. Colorful pee and colorful poop! (And "challenge" your kid(s) to a race to see whose pee turns pink the quickest after eating beets. It's science!)


I feel for you Beth. I get them easily, what cured me was drinking Cranberry Juice every am with breakfast. The last UTI that I got was in London that about did me in.

Ouch! I feel for ya.

Kids are so easily impressed.

Of course, when I was 18 I had some weird medicine that made my pee look like a sunset. I swear. Maybe you could try to find that.

UTIs are the WORST!

But - um - hot pink pee? That's just cool!

Feel better!

I've had some luck with this stuff:

In fact, I had some luck with it two days ago, when I had the same middle of the night screaming UTI you describe. (Seriously, when you're peeing and biting nearby towels in an attempt not to scream.) I already had it in the house so I took two doses before I got to the doctor the next morning...peeing was actually tolerable by the time I got there.

HA! Next time invite her for the sans-asparagus smell!

I actually had plans for the weekend, but I'll go ahead and cancel them in order to start working on ways to infect my urinary tract.

I think I might get in trouble when I get to the part about showing a 5-year old my pee, though. You may be setting me up for jail time, there.

Sorry. They are teh suck in the worst way. I had one not that long ago that hurt so bad, I was eating percs like pez until the doctor called the antibiotics in for me. It beat getting orange stains all over my underwear.

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So the Fish Said...

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