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Dither dither

I keep thinking oh, I'll just type up a quick post about x, but then I think oh, I can't post about x because a, b and c are so much more important and it will trivialize them to post about x first and then I haven't the time or the heart for a, b and c and so nothing goes up.

Screw it, here's x.

Owen is three. Three! He grew four inches in the past year and his feet are like cruise ships and he is the world's leading three-year-old Star Wars expert and he is exceedingly polite when he isn't screaming his head off and all of the sudden he is fit company for other humans and I am finding him so delightful that I can hardly stand it. Three. Man, I have so much to say about this amazing kid, maybe someday soon I will find the time and gumption to say it.

Mia is five-and-a-half and I have much to say about her too, but she is five-and-a-half and I no longer feel entitled. She's a wonder though, that kid, although more than a little challenging to parent. Not that they aren't all challenging, I feel sure that they are, but whew. I taught her fractions this week, because she finished her first grade Hooked on Phonics set (she loves it) and got a Star Wars game for her Leapster as a reward and was sobbing because it had fractions and she didn't understand fractions. What's a mom to do? Fractions for a five-year-old it is. She has her challenges, oh does she ever, but in her strengths (reading and, apparently, fractions) she is a thing of wonder. You know, at least to her mother.

People ask me all the time (really, all the damn time) about the secret to a happy marriage. And I always want to say a) what makes you think my marriage is happy? (it is though), and b) we've been married 11 years, check back in 40 and I'll see if I know. However. On Saturday, I started smelling this really awful smell. Chris did not smell it. And the on Sunday, I smelled it again. I thought it was in the kitchen, so I went to look underneath the bay window where things sometimes go to die and stink up the joint. Nothing. And then I smelled it in the laundry room, and then the bathroom, and then my car, and then the indoor pool where I had taken Mia for a (totally fabulous) birthday party. Chris smelled nothing, I was convinced, absolutely convinced, that I had a brain tumor. So finally at dinner, when I kept smelling the stink and Chris swore he smelled nothing I forced him to sit in my chair and sniff and tell me he didn't smell it, and he said... are you ready for this? He said, "No, I don't smell anything. Well, I mean, I smell you."

Blink. Blink. Blink. What? This smell is coming from me? This smell has been coming from me all day and you didn't see fit to mention it? And he said, "Well, I thought it was something you had put on or something." And then we had a fight about how he is obligated, as my husband and life-mate, to tell me when I smell like death. And then I realized it was my new cheap jeans from Target that smell like death. Moral of the story: don't buy cheap jeans from Target, and marry a man who is too kind to mention that you smell like a particularly ripe corpse.

I've been doing Jennie's Biggest Blogging Loser thing, and was even in first place one week, but that was thanks to the flu/dehydration diet. Anyway, I've been working out a lot (in fact, today is my first non-flu day off since January 3) and have lost some weight and gained a lot of muscle and disposed of almost all of my muffin top, which was my goal in the first place. I mean, I was not what anybody would call overweight to start, but I wasn't eating well and wasn't exercising and wasn't feeling good and I feel amazing now. And I keep telling myself I don't care how I look or what I weigh, which is mostly true, I just like feeling strong and stuff (totally awesome feeling). But when I was being lunch mommy at school today and another parent who I see less than once a month asked if I had lost weight and told me I looked good? That was awesome. Welcome to the return of my smokin' ass. (Have any of you been here long enough to remember that?)

Comments (20)

YAY! I never noticed that the Smokin' Ass had left, but I'm not going to complain about it being replaced by Even More Smokin' Ass.

I've noticed you've been in the top ten of the BBL since the start and waiting for you to tell us your secret. Not sure I want to go with the flu/dehydration diet, but I would be interested in learning more about the smokin' ass workout plan.

Also, not to be totally creepy or anything, but I think your kids are my favorite kids on the internet. :-) I love, love, love that Mia wanted to learn fractions. (Hello, math nerd over here.)

Maybe Mia can teach me fractions now. My kids think it's hilarious that I can't help them with their math homework.

Ewwwww to death-jeans, and WOOHOO! to the CONTINUATION of your smokin' ass, and feeling good!

Glad to see the return of the smoking ass! Maybe now the jeans with the hole in the butt will be more appropriate (and maybe even more enjoyed, seeing as how the cheap target jeans smell bad).

Beth, you totally crack me up! I am now working to get a totally smokin' ass, although, I fear at the age of 52, it may never really happen.

Yay for smokin' ass!

So, if Chris had risen an accusatory finger in your direction and screamed, 'You, sir, smell like unwashed ass!', you're telling me that would've been 100% okey dokey?

Lies.

Also, a cautionary memo: If your ass starts smoking again, I can almost guarantee that you will continue to stink, regardless of the price your jeans. I mean, seriously. It's such a nasty habit.

Welcome back stranger! I missed your posts. I check in everyday for something new. Congrats on the smokin ass thing. You have two of the smartest kids ever. Been a long time since you made a clip of them. That would be cool to see. Keep the posts coming. Wash those jeans and maybe the smell would go. LOL

I wasn't aware the smokin' ass had ever left, but I'm so glad that you're feeling it again. I'm on a mission to get one of those for my own self.

Oh, Oh, I remember your smokin' ass! I am sure it always has been. I have missed your posts. I am glad to see you are doing well.

Haha! Yes, we remember the smokin' ass! of course! Glad to hear you've had success. I'm just starting out but CRAVE a comment like that. Excellent motivator. :)

I love your smokin' ass. No matter what size it is.

Ahhhh! The smokin' ass! Congrats to you for attaining that lofty status again!

Yay for you and your smokin ass and awesome marriage! I, too, have been trying to get in shape (well, you know, less round for one shape). I lost 15 lbs since Jan and last week cut 9" off my hair (I know it was 9" because it needed to be 10" to donate and just missed it). No one has noticed. I mean, those closest to me know about the hair and the weight because I announce every time 0.2 lbs is lost) but the regulars in my life - moms at school, in laws, friends, no one has noticed. Not that I am the type that needs attention but really? No "hey, something is different about you?" Really? So, let me join the chorus of people telling you - Hot Damn, lady! Nice ass! Have you been working out until you are sore and depriving yourself of tasty tasty treats? Because it shows and you should be proud of yourself! Rock on, Beth!

I didn't notice any odor, if it's any consolation. But I also did not notice your ass, nor its enhanced smokingness, so what the hell do I know?

Awesome accomplishment with the fitness goals, and oh hahahahaaaaa about the nasty clothing odor. I have a gorgeous outfit that I bought for far more than I should have paid for anything made in India...have never worn it because of said odor. Even dry cleaning completely failed to remove it. Bleh.

But an even better story...one time I too went around the house sniffing sniffing, smelling something simply terrible here and there. Isolated it to my hands after a couple of days and did everything I possibly could (lemon, scouring powder, virtually straight bleach -- aieeee!) to solve the problem. It would go away briefly, but returned (times 10) after a few hours.

Husband was out of town for most of this, so no opportunity for adult second opinion.

Finally, NINE DAYS after I had helped the kids at school with a science project involving the dissection of mollusks, I took off one of my rings for some reason, only to find, well-lodged in a crevice thereof, a tiny, severely malodorous piece of unidentifiable mollusk. Dear goodness, what a stink!

Never considered the brain tumor possibility though. Next time I will certainly leap to that conclusion, so thanks for that :-)

Yes, yes, I definitely remember the smoking ass days.

Fractions! For a five year old! Go Mia! I had to relearn fractions when I taught GED (it had been TOO LONG) and I was so pleased that hey! look, fractions MAKE SENSE!

I am glad to hear that Owen is such a delightful 3 year old, but since I have a particularly challenging 3 and 1/2 year old, I really don't want to talk about anyone's delightful child. I am mostly preoccupied with ideas of how to send my child in a box to Timbuktu.

I remember Smokin' Ass! I've been around since before you got pregnant with Mia, so I definitely remember.

I have been here long enough to remember your smokin' ass - well not really remember it - but remember you talking about it.

I've had death smelling clothes before. It's frightening and disturbing. What makes death smell in clothes? Please, not death.

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So the Fish Said...

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