It was 2:00, 92 degrees, 1098 percent humidity, and I was in the backyard in my bathing suit pulling weeds. I was in my bathing suit because Owen had told me he wanted to play in the wading pool, and I was pulling weeds because some of them were threatening to eat my children. But the bugs were bugging Owen so he was standing next to me screaming and I was sweating buckets but begging Owen for just two more minutes so I could haul the eight-foot (literally) weed and all its little weedlet-spawn out of the supposed garden, when some man walked up trying to sell me door-to-door meat.
Which, I dunno, I think door-to-door meat is objectively gross. But that may just be because I have been a devoted fish-eating vegetarian for over ten years now. No, I am not actually vegetarian, because yes, I do eat fish about four times a year. But the meat guy walked up talking about steak and he was nice enough but I was miserable to start with and then I told him we were vegetarian, every last one of us, and then he started talking to me about chicken and turkey. And when I affirmed that we were really quite firmly vegetarian, he told me he had something in his truck that would change my mind.
And I don't know if you know this about me, because I try to suppress my true nature and be a nice person, but if I want to show you up as a fool and make you feel bad about yourself, I have the quite unfortunate ability of being able to do that to anyone in two minutes or less. Which is how the nice enough but misguided meat man ended up running away from me in fear. I didn't say I was proud of it, but there it is.
Because no, other than some occasional fish to make it easier for my extended family to have me over, I do not eat animals, and I don't want to, and I am entirely happy with that, and I eat extremely well and deliciously, thankyouverymuch.
So, here are some things I have eaten lately, completely devoid of dead things (unless you count eggs in that, in which case I see your point but continue to eat eggs) and are delicious and that I would happily feed to anyone, even the door-to-door meat man.
Really Good Vegetarian Meatloaf: We had this tonight, and it made a shit-ton of food, and it was nearly gone. It was really, really good. I am serving this the next time we have guests good. I used all fresh herbs (just happened to have them) and minced garlic (from the jar) rather than dried and added some leftover mushrooms and way too much wasabi sauce, and it was entirely delicious.
Pasta with Baby Broccoli and Beans: Have you tried baby broccoli? It is like broccoli-lite, all the flavor, none of the bitterness or denseness. Was lovely with the sun-dried tomatoes, and the fava beans were good but a bit dry and we decided next time we would try cannelini or butter beans.
7-layer Meatless Tortilla Pie: This needs half as many tortillas and a can of jalapenos and maybe some salsa poured on top, but so easy to tweak to your personal taste, also is delicious and I made it at lunchtime and stuck it in the fridge and then threw it in the oven when we got home from the pool while the kids were in the bath and it totally worked.
Connie's Zucchini "Crab" Cakes: These are mis-named, probably trying to appease the carnivores out there, since they taste nothing like crab. But screw that, they are totally yummy, totally easy, and also totally great for throwing in the fridge when you have the chance to make them and then throwing in the oven when you have the chance to eat.
So, take that, door-to-door meat guy who does not understand the definition of "vegetarian." And also, what are you eating lately? No meat, please. No, not even chicken.