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Ten Years On

I had dinner last night (with my husband, you remember him) at a restaurant where I once had dinner with you. It was strange. It has been so many years since I have been anywhere that smelled even faintly of you, and thinking back I believe that was the only time we ever had dinner together, at opposite ends of a very long, very crowded table. Mostly it was cigarettes, with a view of the parking garage, and drinks, coffee and sodas to make it through the work day and beers on all those Friday afternoons when we stole away from friends and loved ones who expected to be invited and had our kindred hour together.

I don't talk about you anymore, other than those rare times when my daughter (she's six now, can you even imagine) asks how she got her name and I tell her a simple story from when we were young. I hardly even think about you anymore, and when I stop to think about that it makes me sad, because I swore, as we all do, that I would never forget, and yet I have. I have forgotten so much, so many details, all of the conversations, other than a bit here and a word there. I wish I could remember it all, but maybe I had to forget so that I could forgive you for dying.

I wish you were still here. I wish your kids could play with my kids and we could still sneak off, once or twice a year, for that quiet beer that nobody else ever quite understood. Or even if we wouldn't be friends anymore, I would like the world just a little bit better if you were still somewhere in it.

Comments (8)

ok, it's me delurking again. This post was so, so sweet and moving. I had a lunch-mani-pedi date with my best friend last Saturday and I cannot imagine my life without her. I have known her for almost 20 years and we have gone through everything together : her mom's death, her boyfriend almost cheating on her, my divorce, rebuilding my life with 2 young kids... I cannot imagine the thought of losing her.
Sorry for the rambling but your post really struck a cord with me.
Cyber hugs to you. I wish I knew you IRL!
xx Katalin

Wow. I had to read this one a few times for it to sink in. I think this happens to all of us, we can't imagine NOT thinking about them, and then years go by and our lives just go on without them. It is beautiful that you named Mia for your friend.

Beautiful and moving.

Wow, so sorry to hear this, but you definitely have a way with words! Beautiful tribute to a friend.

That was touching, sweet and heart breaking. I'm sorry for your loss.

Wow--this post really struck a chord with me, too--causing me to be a "delurker" again. This is the first time I've checked in with you for a long time, though I think of you and Chris from time to time. You see, your children are almost exactly the same age as my two oldest grandchildren (my daughter had another girl 18 months ago); but the oldest in my case is a boy and the second one is a girl. How is it that it can be true that both sets of children are the most beautiful/smart/handsome? But there you have it; it's true--your children are actually just as beautiful as my grandchildren (and believe me, I don't say that lightly!) :) Have a Merry Christmas!

I completely understand this. And it makes me sad that I'm forgetting. It makes me sad that I've lost touch with friends I swore I'd stay in touch with... One of them being you. Please know I think of you guys often (read: everytime I see that girl at shepherds school who looks JUST LIKE Mia) and wish there was some way we could have stayed in touch. *hugs*

This made me tear up. Very beautiful.

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So the Fish Said...

Whoever you are, now I place my hand upon you, that you be my poem, I whisper with my lips close to your ear.

- Walt Whitman

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I want to get a pet duck and keep it in the bathtub.
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I am freakishly flexible.


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