My Non-Pretend Non-Celebrity Boyfriend

So, now that I have that whole Celebrity Boyfriend thing straightened out, I think it’s time to tell you about my Non-Pretend Non-Celebrity Boyfriend. His name is Ralph Jones and he lives in Nowhere, Missouri. Ralph has an account with the company I work for and has been having some problems with his invoice lately. A couple of weeks ago, through a process that I still to this day do not fully understand, Ralph got ahold of me and decided that I was the answer to all of his prayers.

Ralph told me all about his problem with his invoice. I recommended to Ralph that he might want to talk to the people in Billing who could actually do something about his problem. Ralph said he had called them, but they weren’t very friendly and he didn’t think they were going to help him.

Then Ralph told me about his daughter. Then Ralph told me about the company he used to work for before he retired. Then Ralph told me about the cruise he and his wife took last Spring.

Finally, I promised Ralph that I would talk to the Billing people for him and would call him back in a week to let him know what I had found out.

Ralph called me the next day to read me an ad from his newspaper that he thought might be a better deal for him than the deal he has from my company. Ralph wanted to know what I thought.

Ralph called me the day after that to tell me about his neighbor and also about some car trouble he’s been having.

Ralph called me the day after that to ask me if I had given any more thought to that ad he read to me two days ago and also to read me an article from the paper that he thought I would enjoy.

I finally got Ralph taken care of and his invoice fixed. Ralph called me to tell me everything was a-ok and asked if I would give him a call back. I haven’t called him back. I’m trying to dump him without hurting his feelings and I think if I just stop returning his calls he’ll get the message and leave me alone. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to have my friend Sally call Ralph’s friend Billy and tell Billy to tell Ralph that I’m breaking up with him.

Ralph called me 4 times yesterday and didn’t leave a message. Ralph has called 5 times today, so far. Ralph is starting to creep me out just a little.