August 27, 2004
Clichés
I hope somebody else brought the funny today, because I think I left mine in my other purse.
As a child, I was taught what to do when someone hurt me or wronged me. I was taught to forgive and forget, turn the other cheek, do unto others. I was never taught what to do with the anger. I wonder sometimes if little boys are taught how to be angry and it is just little girls who are taught that you should not raise your voice or throw things or hold grudges. It seems there is always at least an implication that an angry woman is a harridan, a harpy, a bitch.
Wait, I was taught one thing about anger. Don’t get mad, get even. Fine, sometimes, but not always appropriate.
The last couple weeks have been pretty emotional for me, but mainly what I feel now is angry. The anger is the only thing I don’t know what to do with, the thing that the world seems to tell me I should get over, should not feel.
Anger at some random person is easy enough, because you don’t have to get over it, at least not quickly. You can decide that person is not worth knowing, someone you don’t want in your life. You can close the door and let the anger evaporate gradually, you can move on.
But as they say, you only hurt the ones you love. So what do you do when someone you love makes you so angry you could pop? After the explanations and the apologies, where do you put the anger? You are not supposed to stay angry, after all, you are supposed to forgive and forget. And apparently, you are supposed to forgive and forget immediately. The apology is supposed to solve the problem and you are supposed to go merrily along like nothing ever happened.
I reject that, and I’ve embraced a different cliché. I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore.
God, that’s liberating.
Posted by Beth at August 27, 2004 09:58 AMGood for you. You're not supposed to forgive and forget, tralala. It's a process. And if the other person wins your forgiveness through sincere and honest measures, huzzah! But it takes a while. And in the meantime? You are totally allowed to give that anger a voice. You're entitled. It's part of the process. Doesn't feel good, sometimes, but gets you where you need to go. (((hugs)))
Posted by: Mir at August 27, 2004 10:30 AMThere is another cliche you should consider.
"Paybacks are a bitch"
just saying
Posted by: Pamalamadingdong at August 27, 2004 10:43 AMI don't think she's talking about paybacks. I think she's talking about expressing her anger instead of holding it in forever. And for that? I have to say, YOU GO GIRL! If you let it eat you away, you're worse off. Find a way to let off the steam (personally, punching bags work wonders for me) and work through it.
Posted by: The Other Beth at August 27, 2004 11:34 AMA long walk/run might help. Don't hold it in, you'll get an ulcer. I've also found writing that person a letter (but not mailing it) helps me get my feelings out without damaging the relationship. I usually write it and then burn it or tear it up so small it could never be put back together.
Posted by: Krush at August 27, 2004 12:29 PMIf you're justifiably angry -- and really, that's for no one to decide but you -- you can't just forgive and forget, and certainly not immediately. There's nothing wrong with forgiveness, but there's also nothing wrong with refusing to "forget" when you've been wronged. And there's nothing wrong with giving voice to your feelings.
Posted by: Fraulein N at August 27, 2004 03:22 PMYeah - my husband has this INSANE rule that if you say you're sorry then the other person has to forgive you. I think it's a stupid rule and people will forgive in their own time.
If you're angry then tough tootsie for the other person - sooner or later you'll get over it, but it has to be on YOUR own time.
Posted by: Irene at August 27, 2004 03:33 PMI am the same way - - Hurt/Anger Me? I get over it...Hurt/Anger MrZ or others close to me? I'll kick your ass.
Posted by: Zoot at August 27, 2004 07:21 PMBeth,
On a personal note here, I've had someone very close to me betray me in a way like no other. I'm the wife of a man that suicided after four years of marriage. Ya know, the "I'll never hurt you.." All those lines you hear and so want to believe. I'm in no way comparing, or trying to solicit a response, just sharing. It's not often I allow myself to be angry with him, even after nearly four years of the "afterlife", I still do my best to keep my anger in check. Somewhere, in all the reading I did right after his death, months of reading, trying to understand "WHY", (ya know, the very first thing that pops out of the mouth of someone who doesn't think before they speak) I read that for the spouse of a homocide victim, you're allowed to be angry at the person who took the life of your spouse. Now, how do I vent the anger I feel for someone I loved with all my heart, yet, the very same person who caused his death?
A well-meaning friend once told me, get a carton of eggs, and find a secluded spot with a tree. Hold each egg in your hand, one at a time, and vent your emotions verbally to that egg... Then toss it against the tree. When the shell breaks, we're supposed to release some of the anger.
Not sure that it works, I gradually took down the proverbial tree with a baseball bat shortly after his death....
I'll buy the eggs, you find the tree. Or at the very least, know there are folks out here that think about you, and hope the anger clears soon.
dianne
Posted by: dianne at August 27, 2004 07:37 PMa punching bag, blog about it but most of all talk it out with the upsetter. Won't make you forget, only amnesia will do that or having kids.
Find a friend who will just listen until you ask for their opinion.
Hope you start feeling happier soon.
I always try to remember that anger isn't a real emotion. It's a reaction from hurt or jealousy and other emotions that are harder to deal with than anger. Even when i find i can forgive someone, if the anger is still there i will tell them that and try to explain why. At least then they know where they stand and they can make an effort to help while you give it time.
Posted by: sparrow at August 28, 2004 05:32 AMJust like the 5 stages of grief, being hurt by a loved one is stretching your trust. I find that I first go into Denial...(that DID not happen)2nd I go into Anger, 3rd Bargaining (wanting it to be like before),4th is Depression (which is anger manifesting inward) and 5th is Acceptance.
A few things to help you cope:
Take your time. Dont let others rush you into getting over your feelings. Dont make major decisions. First ask yourself what YOU need, then Ask for what you need from others.
If it was a huge betrayal, I have been stuck in a few of the stages for quite some time, and in those times of being stuck, I found some one I could trust to talk it out without being judged, or wanting them to "fix" it. And to be honest with you I have not gotten "over" some of the hurts, they are still large scars on my soul, that will never go away. But I have learned from them.
And it is ok to be a bitch. Even if we were not taught that as children! You can't always kiss and make up, some times that is just not appropriate!
I am glad you embraced The I am mad as hell and NOT going to take it! You are not a doormat in your life, you don't have to take it! : )
Just know we all care about you!
