Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

My officemate has left the building. He took a new job at another company and today was his last day. He is fantabulous and fun and a very nice guy even if he talks too loud on the phone so I sometimes can't hear myself think. My office is already too empty and too quiet.

Good luck, my friend. And just for you, Go Terps!

(And by the way, I have just designated today Whitesnake Wednesday. This is my little authoritarian regime so I can do that sort of thing with impunity.)

Authoritarian Regime, and Other Stories

AUTHORITARIAN REGIME

I have decided to institute an authoritarian regime. I think I am well suited to this job because I really like to make new rules but don’t always like to follow them. You may call me either Dear Leader or Mistress Beth. It is entirely your choice, because that is the kind of open and understanding benevolent dictator that I am. Now, for my first proclamation:

New Rules for Concert-Goers

1. Shut. Thefuck. Up. If you are not interested in the concert, don’t go to the concert. If you go to the concert, sit quietly and watch the show. You may make occasional, relevant comments to your neighbors. You may not spend 4 hours talking about what Lauren said to Jessica and whether or not Jessica was the one who told Taylor about it.

2. Do not leave your beer bottles and other random trash on the lawn. I mean people, please. There are trash cans right behind you. Don’t be an asshole.

3. When leaving the parking lot, try not to hit any other cars. If you do hit another car, try even harder not to hit a second car within 60 seconds. Once you have driven your car into two other perfectly innocent cars it may be time to realize you are being a teensy little bit too aggressive and maybe, I don’t know, CHILL.

4. If you have an unfortunate hair loss condition resulting in a bald spot that is not so much a bald spot but is really a bald stripe down one side of your head, you should wear a hat. Or at least not sit directly in front of me. And also, get rid of the mullet because it isn’t fooling anybody.

5. Rufus Wainwright and Guster should form a new band together. Because Oh. My. Dude. That was incredible. Also, Rufus Wainwright should come sit over here with me and maybe let me lick him just a little bit.

OTHER STORIES

1. Cats do not understand tough love.

2. If you are wearing sunglasses and have another pair of sunglasses on top of your head so you will remember to take them back out to your car, you should remove at least one pair of sunglasses before going in to work.

3. It occurred to me last night that every guy I ever dated was a musician (in order they were guitar, voice/sax, voice/guitar, sax, anything with strings). (Yes, there were only 5. I started dating my husband when I was 18.)

4. As a corollary to the above, there is nothing sexier to me than a guy who is a musician. Case in point, I like the firemen and all, but did I marry a fireman? Nope. I married a rock star.

5. If the shirt you are wearing is so tight that you cannot button the last button, maybe you should consider a different shirt.

6. Sign language for “giving the finger” is actually giving the finger.

Smells like teen spirit

First, apparently I have Nirvana on the brain today. Must be the side effect of the early morning Lithium.

Anyway, I am going to a concert tonight with three performers that my mother has never heard of. It made me flash back to my rebellious teenage years when the absolute best way to convince me that something was cool was to tell me that my mother had never heard of it. It also made me wonder what my (theoretical) kids will listen to when they want to rebel against me. I'm betting on country.

Here's the show.

Topless?

Ok people, I cannot think of a single good reason to take your shirt off in the middle of the bathroom at work. No wait, I thought of one. If your shirt is on fire you can take it off in the middle of the bathroom, or anywhere else for that matter. Short of that, either use a stall or just keep your clothes on while you are on company property.

That's ok, I shaved my head

Today was grunge day at the gym (they play videos) - nothing like a little Lithium at 5:30 in the morning.

Why

Why did they have to put peanut M&Ms in the vending machines?

And why didn't somebody come tell me? They could have been there for weeks and I just haven't noticed.

Another strange thing I saw yesterday

Yesterday, I saw the same car with the same vanity plate twice. I saw it in two different places, several miles and 5 hours apart. This wouldn't be all that remarkable, except for what the vanity plate said.

CLVNIST

Predestination, anyone?

Two strange things I saw today

1) A sign behind a charity thrift shop reading "Donations after 3:00 will hurt the homeless." I can't quite figure out how that works, unless the homeless sleep behind the thrift shop where people leave donations and are maybe getting squished under bags of donated clothes.

2) A Buddhist monk in unlaced combat boots loading plywood into the back of a pick-up truck. The plywood was in the middle of the road and I couldn't quite tell whether it was the monk's plywood or whether he was doing a good deed by moving it out of the road and scoring some plywood to boot.

My Exciting Evening!

Last night, after only 3 trips to the hardware store and a bare minimum of cursing, we installed our brand spankin’ new dishwasher. Well ok, my husband installed the dishwasher. My main contribution was to stand next to him wearing rubber-soled shoes in case he was electrocuted and I had to kick him away from the wires. (I am very happy that he was not electrocuted, but maybe just a teensy bit sorry that I didn’t get to kick him because as long as we have been together I’m sure he has done something that deserves a little kicking, I just can’t think of anything right now.) I also read the instructions and told him what he was doing wrong. Needless to say, he was very grateful for my vital contributions to this project. To celebrate the new dishwasher, I did something that I have never once done in my entire life. I put dishes in the dishwasher without rinsing them first. This goes against everything I was ever taught as a child and may prove to be my next step on the path to hell, but I like to live on the edge.

Two Questions

1) Why does the recorded customer service lady tell me to enter my account number one number at a time? Is there another way to do it that I'm missing?

2) Who thinks that grown-up adult people who are not professional athletes or professional frat boys need to participate in a high-five line at work? However, wouldn't that be a cool replacement for the receiving line at a wedding?

I have probably just been staring at this spreadsheet for too long...

But "Lick-Wilmerding High School" cracked my ass up. Say it!

Lick-Wilmerding!

Lick-Wilmerding!

Ok, I'm done.

Um, what?

I love the toys you get in gumball machines and have a large collection of useless crap because of it. But these sort of disturbed me. One of them is a guy chained to a pole. Please, buy the whole set for your 6-year old so he can work towards his dream of joining a street gang.

Tuesday Morning, 5 AM

This morning, I got up at 5:00 and went to the gym.

Wait, I need to say that again because I can’t quite believe it myself.

This morning, I got up at 5:00 and went to the gym.

I am not a morning person. I’m not really a before-noon person. When I was managing a team a few years ago I had a rule that nobody could ask me questions before 10:00 and hard questions had to wait until after lunch. So I am shocked that I voluntarily got up before sunrise this morning and then voluntarily left the house rather than thinking better of it and crawling back into bed. I did win a bet with my husband by doing it – when I told him my plan last night he was, well, incredulous to put it politely.

I have this theory that by going to the gym in the morning I will be able to do all these grand things – like run errands after work or go for coffee with a friend or cook a decent dinner. Or even just sit on the deck in the sun and watch the cats kill any bug that is foolish enough to come within claw range. The only problem is that I am having a hard time fighting the urge to take a little nap on my laptop.

A friend just pointed out that between last night and this morning I went to the gym twice within 12 hours. I think that makes me hate me a little bit.

BTW: Now I have "Wednesday Morning, 3 AM" stuck in my head.

Call me Donna

I've mentioned before that I am jonesing for a baby. This has had a rather strange impact on my behavior. Somehow, I have decided that there are certain things that I need to be able to do if I am going to be somebody's mother. First, I took up knitting. I'm not sure why I think that knitting is critical to being maternal as neither my mother or grandmother have ever knit a thing. My latest effort is learning to make pancakes. No, pancakes are not very hard to make, but it was not something I had never done. One thing my mother did do was make big family breakfasts on the weekends and I would like to do the same. So last Sunday I made pancakes for my husband and announced that it was a new tradition. At least until I got bored anyway. Yesterday we had brunch with my parents and didn't want to have a big breakfast beforehand, so instead of pancakes for breakfast we had pancakes for dinner. Hey, I need the practice.

The new man in my life

I have to confess, I have a new man in my life. I think I am madly in love with this guy, and I don't even know his first name. You may have heard of him actually, it's Mr. Clean.

My house was previously the home of two of the great crayon artists of the 20th century. We have crayon on the walls, the doors, even the cabinets. So a few days ago I gave in to the advertising and bought this. And the silly thing actually works. No more crayon, no more scuff marks, no more fingerprints. I'm going to buy 10 more and do the whole house. Unless of course my new boyfriend Mr. Clean can come through with some free samples.

Duh

Earlier today, in a store, I noticed a stroller sitting unattended. I assumed it was empty. Nope - it contained one honest to goodness genuine infant. Looking around, I noticed that the child's mother was off looking at dishes. 20 feet away. With her back turned. Does this woman not watch the news? If that baby had been cuter I would have taken it myself.

Fun things to do when you can’t sleep

Practice your time zones. (When it is 4:00 AM in Washington DC it is 5:00 PM in Tokyo. When it is 4:00 AM in Washington DC it is10:00 AM in Paris. When it is 4:00 AM in Washington DC it is 10:00 PM (the previous day) in Hawaii. If I lived in Hawaii, I would still have plenty of time left to sleep.)

Wake your husband up and suggest moving to Hawaii.

See how many of the School House Rock songs you can remember.

Listen to your husband snore.

Try to remember (in order) every guy you have ever had a crush on.

Listen to the cats snore.

Count firemen jumping over a fence. Sheep schmeep.

Wait, one more thing

Ok, really two more things.

Thing One - My house is less than a mile from the fire station. This is far and away one of the best decisions I have ever made, because I? Have a major fireman fetish.

Thing Two - Do you know what they do over at the fire station on nice sunny warm Saturdays? They wash the firetrucks. See Thing One.

By the way...

Is there anyone else who can't sleep because they have that Tequila song stuck in their head?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

What technology has done for me

The main thing that technology has done for me is, it has enabled me to be a jerk to anyone at any time.

See, the thing about email and im and text messaging is that there is so little context. You never know how the person on the other end is going to take what you say. Of course, you never know how the other person is going to take what you in actual conversation eiither, but your odds are better. You can indicate sacasm or humor by your tone or voice or expression. I am having a hard time learning that you can't just email someone exactly what you would say to them in person, because without the audible or visual cues of conversation they are a lot more likely to miss what you are trying to say.

I have learned the hard way that I cannot say anything more complicated than "good morning" to my husband over email or im. We have had far too many arguments over things that were misinterpreteted in text that would have been nothing in live conversation. This is the person I have spent the majority of my time with for the last 11 years and we still can't avoid misunderstandings.

Anyway, I had this problem earlier today. I was trying to be funny but wound up being a jerk. I am planning to hold a big finger L up to my forehead for the rest of the night as penance.

Anyone have any advice on how to avoid being an accidental asshat?

San Diego, CA 92121

Today, I have been doing two things at work.

1) Forwarding emails
2) Looking up zip codes

San Antonio, TX 75024

I am forwarding emails because the woman who usually forwards the emails is out of the office. I do get some satisfaction from the fact that when I took over as the resident forwarder last Wednesday my colleague was 2 days behind in the forwarding of the email and I am completely caught up. But since it I is only a matter of looking something up, hitting forward and typing a name, the satisfaction is very, very minor. Uber minor.

Palo Alto, CA 94306

I am looking up zip codes because – well because apparently looking up zip codes is now my job. I was given a very long list and I have to find the zip codes. I used to have a real job, really I did. I did important things. I had a lot of responsibility. I really liked it. Now I look up zip codes. This is honestly through no fault of my own, just one of the things that happens when you work where I work. I would really prefer that I had done something that had gotten me where I am, because then I could at least tell myself that I am sitting here looking up zip codes because I screwed up or mouthed off to the wrong person or whatever. But no, nothing like that.

Culver City, CA 90230

Ah, but here is where it gets really sad. I am doing all of my own work and covering for two other people who are out of the office and I still do not have enough to do to keep me busy all day. This afternoon has already been about 4 days long. So, what do you do when you have a job that is a waste of your time and rotting your brain, but is also comfortable, convenient, and very well compensated?

San Jose, CA 95124

Rare Tropical Disease

I have had a pain in my back since Friday morning. Thanks to my vivid imagination and detailed internet research, I have determined that this pain is due to one of the following things:

Appendicitis
Liver Disease
Ectopic Pregnancy
Kidney Failure
Rare Tropical Disease

It cannot possibly have been caused by sleeping funny Thursday night. I know this because I am not even 30 and I go to the gym so I clearly cannot be in pain just from sleeping funny. I simply won’t allow it.

P.S.

One of the books on the list below just happens to be one of my all-time favorites. It is The Sparrow by Mary Doria Russell. It is a truly amazing book. I have only read it once and want to read it again, but I am saving it hoping that when I do re-read it I can recapture the experience of reading it for the first time.. It is beautiful and amazing and at one point made me sob for hours.

I cannot recommend strongly enough that you read this book.

Damn

How many damn times do I have to hit my damn head on the damn hook in the damn ladies room before I damn well remember that the damn thing is there?

Ouch dammit

Jumping on the Bandwagon

This is everywhere today, but I saw it first over at Mir's place. The fun part of this for me was being reminded of some of the really wonderful books I have read that I hadn't thought of in a while.

The other fun part was that when I saw this list I could tell immediately which three books had been added by my husband.

1. The Lord of the Rings, JRR Tolkien
2. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen
3. His Dark Materials, Philip Pullman
4. The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams
5. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, JK Rowling
6. To Kill a Mockingbird, Harper Lee
7. Winnie the Pooh, AA Milne
8. 1984, George Orwell
9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, CS Lewis
10. Jane Eyre, Charlotte Bronte
11. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
12. Wuthering Heights, Emily Bronte
13. Birdsong, Sebastian Faulks
14. Rebecca, Daphne du Maurier
15. The Catcher in the Rye, JD Salinger
16. The Wind in the Willows, Kenneth Grahame
17. Great Expectations, Charles Dickens
18. Little Women, Louisa May Alcott
19. Captain Corellis Mandolin, Louis de Bernieres
20. War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
21. Gone with the Wind, Margaret Mitchell
22. Harry Potter And The Sorcerers Stone, JK Rowling
23. Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets, JK Rowling
24. Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban, JK Rowling
25. The Hobbit, JRR Tolkien
26. Tess Of The DUrbervilles, Thomas Hardy
27. Middlemarch, George Eliot
28. A Prayer For Owen Meany, John Irving
29. The Grapes Of Wrath, John Steinbeck
30. Alices Adventures In Wonderland, Lewis Carroll
31. The Story Of Tracy Beaker, Jacqueline Wilson
32. One Hundred Years Of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
33. The Pillars Of The Earth, Ken Follett
34. David Copperfield, Charles Dickens
35. Charlie And The Chocolate Factory, Roald Dahl
36. Treasure Island, Robert Louis Stevenson
37. A Town Like Alice, Nevil Shute
38. Persuasion, Jane Austen
39. Dune, Frank Herbert
40. Emma, Jane Austen
41. Anne Of Green Gables, LM Montgomery
42. Watership Down, Richard Adams
43. The Great Gatsby, F Scott Fitzgerald
44. The Count Of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
45. Brideshead Revisited, Evelyn Waugh
46. Animal Farm, George Orwell
47. A Christmas Carol, Charles Dickens
48. Far From The Madding Crowd, Thomas Hardy
49. Goodnight Mister Tom, Michelle Magorian
50. The Shell Seekers, Rosamunde Pilcher
51. The Secret Garden, Frances Hodgson Burnett
52. Of Mice And Men, John Steinbeck
53. The Stand, Stephen King
54. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy
55. A Suitable Boy, Vikram Seth
56. The BFG, Roald Dahl
57. Swallows And Amazons, Arthur Ransome
58. Black Beauty, Anna Sewell
59. Artemis Fowl, Eoin Colfer
60. Crime And Punishment, Fyodor Dostoyevsky
61. Noughts And Crosses, Malorie Blackman
62. Memoirs Of A Geisha, Arthur Golden
63. A Tale Of Two Cities, Charles Dickens
64. The Thorn Birds, Colleen McCollough
65. Mort, Terry Pratchett
66. The Magic Faraway Tree, Enid Blyton
67. The Magus, John Fowles
68. Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
69. Guards! Guards!, Terry Pratchett
70. Lord Of The Flies, William Golding
71. Perfume, Patrick Susskind
72. The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists, Robert Tressell
73. Night Watch, Terry Pratchett
74. Matilda, Roald Dahl
75. Bridget Joness Diary, Helen Fielding
76. The Secret History, Donna Tartt
77. The Woman In White, Wilkie Collins
78. Ulysses, James Joyce
79. Bleak House, Charles Dickens
80. Double Act, Jacqueline Wilson
81. The Twits, Roald Dahl
82. I Capture The Castle, Dodie Smith
83. Holes, Louis Sachar
84. Gormenghast, Mervyn Peake
85. The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy
86. Vicky Angel, Jacqueline Wilson
87. Brave New World, Aldous Huxley
88. Cold Comfort Farm, Stella Gibbons
89. Magician, Raymond E Feist
90. On The Road, Jack Kerouac
91. The Godfather, Mario Puzo
92. The Clan Of The Cave Bear, Jean M Auel
93. The Colour Of Magic, Terry Pratchett
94. The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho
95. Katherine, Anya Seton
96. Kane And Abel, Jeffrey Archer
97. Love In The Time Of Cholera, Gabriel Garcia Marquez
98. Girls In Love, Jacqueline Wilson
99. The Princess Diaries, Meg Cabot
100. Midnights Children, Salman Rushdie
101. Three Men In A Boat, Jerome K. Jerome
102. Small Gods, Terry Pratchett
103. The Beach, Alex Garland
104. Dracula, Bram Stoker
105. Point Blanc, Anthony Horowitz
106. The Pickwick Papers, Charles Dickens
107. Stormbreaker, Anthony Horowitz
108. The Wasp Factory, Iain Banks
109. The Day Of The Jackal, Frederick Forsyth
110. The Illustrated Mum, Jacqueline Wilson
111. Jude The Obscure, Thomas Hardy
112. The Secret Diary Of Adrian Mole Aged 13 1/2, Sue Townsend
113. The Cruel Sea, Nicholas Monsarrat
114. Les Miserables, Victor Hugo
115. The Mayor Of Casterbridge, Thomas Hardy
116. The Dare Game, Jacqueline Wilson
117. Bad Girls, Jacqueline Wilson
118. The Picture Of Dorian Gray, Oscar Wilde
119. Shogun, James Clavell
120. The Day Of The Triffids, John Wyndham
121. Lola Rose, Jacqueline Wilson
122. Vanity Fair, William Makepeace Thackeray
123. The Forsyte Saga, John Galsworthy
124. House Of Leaves, Mark Z. Danielewski
125. The Poisonwood Bible, Barbara Kingsolver
126. Reaper Man, Terry Pratchett
127. Angus, Thongs And Full-Frontal Snogging, Louise Rennison
128. The Hound Of The Baskervilles, Arthur Conan Doyle
129. Possession, A. S. Byatt
130. The Master And Margarita, Mikhail Bulgakov
131. The Handmaids Tale, Margaret Atwood
132. Danny The Champion Of The World, Roald Dahl
133. East Of Eden, John Steinbeck
134. Georges Marvellous Medicine, Roald Dahl
135. Wyrd Sisters, Terry Pratchett
136. The Color Purple, Alice Walker
137. Hogfather, Terry Pratchett
138. The Thirty-Nine Steps, John Buchan
139. Girls In Tears, Jacqueline Wilson
140. Sleepovers, Jacqueline Wilson
141. All Quiet On The Western Front, Erich Maria Remarque
142. Behind The Scenes At The Museum, Kate Atkinson
143. High Fidelity, Nick Hornby
144. It, Stephen King
145. James And The Giant Peach, Roald Dahl
146. The Green Mile, Stephen King
147. Papillon, Henri Charriere
148. Men At Arms, Terry Pratchett
149. Master And Commander, Patrick OBrian
150. Skeleton Key, Anthony Horowitz
151. Soul Music, Terry Pratchett
152. Thief Of Time, Terry Pratchett
153. The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett
154. Atonement, Ian McEwan
155. Secrets, Jacqueline Wilson
156. The Silver Sword, Ian Serraillier
157. One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest, Ken Kesey
158. Heart Of Darkness, Joseph Conrad
159. Kim, Rudyard Kipling
160. Cross Stitch, Diana Gabaldon
161. Moby Dick, Herman Melville
162. River God, Wilbur Smith
163. Sunset Song, Lewis Grassic Gibbon
164. The Shipping News, Annie Proulx
165. The World According To Garp, John Irving
166. Lorna Doone, R. D. Blackmore
167. Girls Out Late, Jacqueline Wilson
168. The Far Pavilions, M. M. Kaye
169. The Witches, Roald Dahl
170. Charlottes Web, E. B. White
171. Frankenstein, Mary Shelley
172. They Used To Play On Grass, Terry Venables and Gordon Williams
173. The Old Man And The Sea, Ernest Hemingway
174. The Name Of The Rose, Umberto Eco
175. Sophies World, Jostein Gaarder
176. Dustbin Baby, Jacqueline Wilson
177. Fantastic Mr. Fox, Roald Dahl
178. Lolita, Vladimir Nabokov
179. Jonathan Livingstone Seagull, Richard Bach
180. The Little Prince, Antoine De Saint-Exupery
181. The Suitcase Kid, Jacqueline Wilson
182. Oliver Twist, Charles Dickens
183. The Power Of One, Bryce Courtenay
184. Silas Marner, George Eliot
185. American Psycho, Bret Easton Ellis
186. The Diary Of A Nobody, George and Weedon Gross-mith
187. Trainspotting, Irvine Welsh
188. Goosebumps, R. L. Stine
189. Heidi, Johanna Spyri
190. Sons And Lovers, D. H. Lawrence
191. The Unbearable Lightness of Being, Milan Kundera
192. Man And Boy, Tony Parsons
193. The Truth, Terry Pratchett
194. The War Of The Worlds, H. G. Wells
195. The Horse Whisperer, Nicholas Evans
196. A Fine Balance, Rohinton Mistry
197. Witches Abroad, Terry Pratchett
198. The Once And Future King, T. H. White
199. The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Eric Carle
200. Flowers In The Attic, Virginia Andrews
201. The Silmarillion, J.R.R. Tolkien
202. The Eye of the World, Robert Jordan
203. The Great Hunt, Robert Jordan
204. The Dragon Reborn, Robert Jordan
205. Fires of Heaven, Robert Jordan
206. Lord of Chaos, Robert Jordan
207. Winters Heart, Robert Jordan
208. A Crown of Swords, Robert Jordan
209. Crossroads of Twilight, Robert Jordan
210. A Path of Daggers, Robert Jordan
211. As Nature Made Him, John Colapinto
212. Microserfs, Douglas Coupland
213. The Married Man, Edmund White
214. Winters Tale, Mark Helprin
215. The History of Sexuality, Michel Foucault
216. Cry to Heaven, Anne Rice
217. Same-Sex Unions in Premodern Europe, John Boswell
218. Equus, Peter Shaffer
219. The Man Who Ate Everything, Jeffrey Steingarten
220. Letters To A Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke
221. Ella Minnow Pea, Mark Dunn
222. The Vampire Lestat, Anne Rice
223. Anthem, Ayn Rand
224. The Bridge To Terabithia, Katherine Paterson
225. Tartuffe, Moliere
226. The Metamorphosis, Franz Kafka
227. The Crucible, Arthur Miller
228. The Trial, Franz Kafka
229. Oedipus Rex, Sophocles
230. Oedipus at Colonus, Sophocles
231. Death Be Not Proud, John Gunther
232. A Dolls House, Henrik Ibsen
233. Hedda Gabler, Henrik Ibsen
234. Ethan Frome, Edith Wharton
235. A Raisin In The Sun, Lorraine Hansberry
236. ALIVE!, Piers Paul Read
237. Grapefruit, Yoko Ono
238. Trickster Makes This World, Lewis Hyde
240. The Mists of Avalon, Marion Zimmer Bradley
241. Chronicles of Thomas Convenant, Unbeliever, Stephen Donaldson
242. Lord of Light, Roger Zelazny
242. The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Michael Chabon
243. Summerland, Michael Chabon
244. A Confederacy of Dunces, John Kennedy Toole
245. Candide, Voltaire
246. The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar and Six More, Roald Dahl
247. Ringworld, Larry Niven
248. The King Must Die, Mary Renault
249. Stranger in a Strange Land, Robert Heinlein
250. A Wrinkle in Time, Madeline LEngle
251. The Eyre Affair, Jasper Fforde
252. The House Of The Seven Gables, Nathaniel Hawthorne
253. The Scarlet Letter, Nathaniel Hawthorne
254. The Joy Luck Club, Amy Tan
255. The Great Gilly Hopkins, Katherine Paterson
256. Chocolate Fever, Robert Kimmel Smith
257. Xanth: The Quest for Magic, Piers Anthony
258. The Lost Princess of Oz, L. Frank Baum
259. Wonder Boys, Michael Chabon
260. Lost In A Good Book, Jasper Fforde
261. Well Of Lost Plots, Jasper Fforde
261. Life Of Pi, Yann Martel
263. The Bean Trees, Barbara Kingsolver
264. A Yellow Rraft In Blue Water, Michael Dorris
265. Little House on the Prairie, Laura Ingalls Wilder
267. Where The Red Fern Grows, Wilson Rawls
268. Griffin & Sabine, Nick Bantock
269. Witch of Blackbird Pond, Joyce Friedland
270. Mrs. Frisby And The Rats Of NIMH, Robert C. OBrien
271. Tuck Everlasting, Natalie Babbitt
272. The Cay, Theodore Taylor
273. From The Mixed-Up Files Of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, E.L. Konigsburg
274. The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster
275. The Westing Game, Ellen Raskin
276. The Kitchen Gods Wife, Amy Tan
277. The Bone Setters Daughter, Amy Tan
278. Relic, Duglas Preston & Lincolon Child
279. Wicked, Gregory Maguire
280. American Gods, Neil Gaiman
281. Misty of Chincoteague, Marguerite Henry
282. The Girl Next Door, Jack Ketchum
283. Haunted, Judith St. George
284. Singularity, William Sleator
285. A Short History of Nearly Everything, Bill Bryson
286. Different Seasons, Stephen King
287. Fight Club, Chuck Palahniuk
288. About a Boy, Nick Hornby
289. The Bookmans Wake, John Dunning
290. The Church of Dead Girls, Stephen Dobyns
291. Illusions, Richard Bach
292. Magics Pawn, Mercedes Lackey
293. Magics Promise, Mercedes Lackey
294. Magics Price, Mercedes Lackey
295. The Dancing Wu Li Masters, Gary Zukav
296. Spirits of Flux and Anchor, Jack L. Chalker
297. Interview with the Vampire, Anne Rice
298. The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, Brenda Love
299. Infinite Jest, David Foster Wallace.
300. The Bluest Eye, Toni Morrison.
301. The Cider House Rules, John Irving.
302. Enders Game, Orson Scott Card
303. Girlfriend in a Coma, Douglas Coupland
304. The Lions Game, Nelson Demille
305. The Sun, The Moon, and the Stars, Stephen Brust
306. Cyteen, C. J. Cherryh
307. Foucaults Pendulum, Umberto Eco
308. Cryptonomicon, Neal Stephenson
309. Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk
310. Camber of Culdi, Kathryn Kurtz
311. The Fountainhead, Ayn Rand
312. War and Rememberance, Herman Wouk
313. The Art of War, Sun Tzu
314. The Giver, Lois Lowry
315. The Telling, Ursula Le Guin
316. Xenogenesis (or Liliths Brood), Octavia Butler
317. A Civil Campaign, Lois McMaster Bujold
318. The Curse of Chalion, Lois McMaster Bujold
319. The Aeneid, Publius Vergilius Maro (Vergil)
320. Hanta Yo, Ruth Beebe Hill
321. The Princess Bride, S. Morganstern (or William Goldman)
322. Beowulf, Anonymous
323. The Sparrow, Maria Doria Russell
324. Deerskin, Robin McKinley
325. Dragonsong, Anne McCaffrey
326. Passage, Connie Willis
327. Otherland, Tad Williams
328. Tigana, Guy Gavriel Kay
329. Number the Stars, Lois Lowry
330. Beloved, Toni Morrison
331. Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christs Childhood Pal, Christopher Moore
332. The mysterious disappearance of Leon, I mean Noel, Ellen Raskin
333. Summer Sisters, Judy Blume
334. The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Victor Hugo
335. The Island on Bird Street, Uri Orlev
336. Midnight in the Dollhouse, Marjorie Filley Stover
337. The Miracle Worker, William Gibson
338. The Genesis Code, John Case
339. The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, Robert Louis Stevensen
340. Paradise Lost, John Milton
341. Phantom, Susan Kay
342. The Mummy or Ramses the Damned, Anne Rice
343. Anno Dracula, Kim Newman
344: The Dresden Files: Grave Peril, Jim Butcher
345: Tokyo Suckerpunch, Issac Adamson
346: The Winter of Magics Return, Pamela Service
347: The Oddkins, Dean R. Koontz
348. My Name is Asher Lev, Chaim Potok
349. The Last Goodbye, Raymond Chandler
350. At Swim, Two Boys, Jaime ONeill
351. Othello, by William Shakespeare
352. The Collected Poems of Dylan Thomas
353. The Collected Poems of William Butler Yeats
354. Sati, Christopher Pike
355. The Inferno, Dante
356. The Apology, Plato
357. The Small Rain, Madeline LEngle
358. The Man Who Tasted Shapes, Richard E Cytowick
359. 5 Novels, Daniel Pinkwater
360. The Sevenwaters Trilogy, Juliet Marillier
361. Girl with a Pearl Earring, Tracy Chevalier
362. To the Lighthouse, Virginia Woolf
363. Our Town, Thorton Wilder
364. Green Grass Running Water, Thomas King
335. The Interpreter, Suzanne Glass
336. The Moors Last Sigh, Salman Rushdie
337. The Mother Tongue, Bill Bryson
338. A Passage to India, E.M. Forster
339. The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Stephen Chbosky
340. The Phantom of the Opera, Gaston Leroux
341. Pages for You, Sylvia Brownrigg
342. The Changeover, Margaret Mahy
343. Howls Moving Castle, Diana Wynne Jones
344. Angels and Demons, Dan Brown
345. Johnny Got His Gun, Dalton Trumbo
346. Shosha, Isaac Bashevis Singer
347. Travels With Charley, John Steinbeck
348. The Diving-bell and the Butterfly by Jean-Dominique Bauby
349. The Lunatic at Large by J. Storer Clouston
350. Time for Bed by David Baddiel
351. Barrayar by Lois McMaster Bujold
352. Quite Ugly One Morning by Christopher Brookmyre
353. The Bloody Sun by Marion Zimmer Bradley
354. Sewer, Gas, and Eletric by Matt Ruff
355. Jhereg by Steven Brust
356. So You Want To Be A Wizard by Diane Duane
357. Perdido Street Station, China Mieville
358. The Tenant of Wildfell Hall, Anne Bronte
359. Road-side Dog, Czeslaw Milosz
360. The English Patient, Michael Ondaatje
361. Neuromancer, William Gibson
362. The Epistemology of the Closet, Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick
363. A Canticle for Liebowitz, Walter M. Miller, Jr
364. The Mask of Apollo, Mary Renault
365. The Gunslinger, Stephen King
366. Romeo and Juliet, William Shakespeare
367. Childhoods End, Arthur C. Clarke
368. A Season of Mists, Neil Gaiman
369. Ivanhoe, Walter Scott
370. The God Boy, Ian Cross
371. The Beekeepers Apprentice, Laurie R. King
372. Finn Family Moomintroll, Tove Jansson
373. Misery, Stephen King
374. Tipping the Velvet, Sarah Waters
375. Hood, Emma Donoghue
376. The Land of Spices, Kate OBrien
377. The Diary of Anne Frank
378. Regeneration, Pat Barker
379. Tender is the Night, F. Scott Fitzgerald
380. Dreaming in Cuban, Cristina Garcia
381. A Farewell to Arms, Ernest Hemingway
382. The View from Saturday, E.L. Konigsburg
383. Dealing with Dragons, Patricia Wrede
384. Eats, Shoots & Leaves, Lynne Truss
385. A Severed Wasp - Madeleine LEngle
386. Here Be Dragons - Sharon Kay Penman
387. The Mabinogion (Ancient Welsh Tales) - translated by Lady Charlotte E. Guest
388. The DaVinci Code - Dan Brown
389. Desire of the Everlasting Hills - Thomas Cahill
390. The Cloister Walk - Kathleen Norris
391. The Things We Carried, Tim OBrien
392. I Know This Much Is True, Wally Lamb
393. Choke, Chuck Palahniuk
394. Enders Shadow, Orson Scott Card
395. The Memory of Earth, Orson Scott Card
396. The Iron Tower, Dennis L. McKiernen
397. Atlas Shrugged, Ayn Rand
398. A Ring of Endless Light, Madeline L'Engle
399. Lords of Discipline, Pat Conroy
400. Hyperion, Dan Simmons
401. If Nobody Speaks of Remarkable Things, Jon McGregor
402. The Bridge, Iain Banks

Humility

At one point (ages and ages ago), I fancied myself a poet. So, largely for my own amusement (or is that debasement), here is something I wrote.

Dated 2/21/93

Flint kisses off steel in the darkness
and lightning flashes from a 50 cent piece of plastic
like the hand of god reaching down to blind us
then life returns to cracks of light from the bathroom
and yellow street lamps filtering through the window.
You lie on your stomach, bent at the waist and propped on your elbows
with the blanket pooled around your casual hips
and your face lingering at the edge of your cigarette's glow
there is no world beyond it's fire.

And from roughy the same vintage, I wrote this right after the first time my boyfriend-now-husband kissed me:

Running up the lawn and into the building
up to the room which is only a
literal definition of home
sneaking in quietly, trying not to
wake sleeping strangers
going through the nightly rituals of
preparing myself for god
and finally climbing between purple sheets
rolling on my side to face sleep
cheeks still hot and
heart still pounding from his kiss.

I took this very seriously at the time, now it cracks me up.

I give up

I started off writing about the deep personal problems I have with pants.

Then I tried writing about the argument I had with my husband last night about how I am supposed to psychically know what he wants and volunteer to do it to spare him from having to actually express what he wants himself.

Then I was going to write about my trip to see Larry Rotter and the Whoosie-Whatsis.

But everything was lousy. I am trying all of these topics because I don't want to write about my job. But I am very focused on how crappy my job is at the moment so it is hard to write about anything else. I have decided to take a lunch break and hope that when I get back the job will less suckalicious or at least something amusing will happen to me while I'm out.

Dear Coworker, Part II

Dear Coworker,

Earlier today, you sent me a request which was missing two pieces of information. I replied with an email clearly indicating which two pieces of information you had neglected to provide, and requesting that you provide the missing data so I could complete your request.

Would you please explain to me why you replied to my email with an answer to only one of my questions? While you are at it, would you please explain why this happens all the damn time? Are people really incapable of reading two sentences, retaining the substance of each sentence, and then responding to two separate but related questions in a single email? Perhaps you could address each question individually? For example, you could type your response to the first question, and then review my email again to refresh your memory regarding the second point I asked you to address.

I am just trying to be helpful here and spare you the pain and embarassment of being known far and wide as a doofus.

Warmest Regards,
Beth

Dear Coworker

Dear Coworker,

If you are going to take the time to look me up on the corporate messaging system to send me an IM to ask me for my phone number, wouldn't it be just as easy to look me up on the corporate directory and get my phone number yourself?

On a related note, if you then call me to ask me who you should call to solve the problem that you are too lazy to resolve on your own, and I tell you who to call, look their number up yourself. Don't ask me if I have their number so I can look it up and read it to you.

I am not your personal assistant, and I have a very bad attitude to boot.

Warmest Regards,
Beth

Ohm

I just got back from yoga, which I love because I am made for it. I may have almost no athletic ability and be a world-class clutz, but I sure am bendy.

Omaha Beach

Last fall I visited Omaha Beach. Standing at the top and looking down to the ocean, I could imagine the American invasion on D-Day. I could imagine all those young men looking up to the embankments and knowing they would never make it to the top of the hill. I am in awe of the courage it took to land at Normandy.

Bittersweet

We finally replaced a 12 year old office chair today. The old one was so rickety that most of the time when you sat down in it the seat dropped eight inches and you spilled your coffee/juice/wine/vodka into the keyboard. The new chair was on sale ($40 off, god I love sales) and smells wonderfully of leather. But the old one was personally reupholstered by yours truly (and in the area of way t.m.i. the site of more than one shin-dig with the hubby) so I am sorry to see it go. I am hoping that someone will see it on the corner waiting for the garbage dudes and adopt it as their own.

Tomorrow I hope to replace the 11 year old dishwasher, to which I have no personal attachment.

Working 9 to 5

Well, I am still gainfully employeed, but I think I will go get bombed anyway. It just seems like the thing to do.

Happy RIF Day

Where I work, a lot of people are losing their jobs today. It's the economy, stupid, and all that. I can't quite decide whether I want them to show up with boxes for me or not. It would be nice to have the summer off....

And now I know what I would do!

be sorted @ nimbo.net

So here’s what I’m thinking about if I get fired today.

I brought my lunch. Should I stick around and eat it while I clean out my desk? Take it with me when I leave? Leave it to rot in the fridge as a memory of me? Take it to the bar and share it with everyone else who got fired while we get bombed?

I have an extra power cord for my laptop at home. Will I have to return it? If I don’t return it, will they send the sheriff to get it? Will he be cute?

Should I send my boss the only copy of the critically important spreadsheet that is on my laptop and nowhere else? Or just delete it?

Should I turn in the project I am working on today before I go? And if so, should I change all the data first?

How am I going to get my mini Zen rock garden home without spilling all the sand? Especially once I am bombed when it will be much harder to hold the thing level.

By the way

Would whoever keeps getting shoe prints on the toilet seats around here please, you know, stop?

Intruder Alert!

My house makes a lot of noises, and sometimes when I am home alone I get a little carried away and become convinced that the noises mean someone is in the house. This morning, I started paying too much attention to the house sounds, and then I noticed that my cat was looking at something under the bed. (Under the bed! Oh no! There someone under my bed!) So I did what any independent woman would do - I grabbed my hairdryer and prepared to fight for my life. Turns out there was nobody under the bed. Or in the closet. Or under the desk, behind the door, in the kitchen, living room, basement, or bathroom. In fact, the only thing I did see was a couple of neighborhood kids laughing at the crazy lady running around her house half naked brandishing a hair dryer.

These are a few of my favorite things

Just a few of my favorite sites to pass the time.

Brandon Bird

Disturbing Auctions

CatPrin

Story People

One way that blogging is better than real life

I really want an IP Deny function in my real life. Annoying? Denied. Insulting? Denied. Can't figure out how to replace your gas cap while I am behind you in line? Denied. You no longer exist for me. Poof.

Melonhead

As I have mentioned, lately my biological clock has been ticking like a freaking time bomb and giving me the uncontrollable urge to procreate. So I find myself making mental lists of reasons why I should and should not have a baby. For example: Pro – baby eyelashes. Con – baby poop. Last night, I had a startling and disturbing realization that changed the entire equation.

I have a great big melon head.

I got it from my father, who also has a great big melon head and who apparently comes from a long line of melonheaded people. I have been melonheaded since birth. In fact, my mother had to have a cesarean entirely because of my freakishly large head. As if the idea of childbirth isn’t scary enough, I now have to deal with the very real possibility that I will be giving birth to a Talosian.

I am so getting a puppy instead.