so the fish said

so the fish said tag:,2012:/3 2012-04-12T00:09:43Z Movable Type 3.33 Life skills tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2012://3.11531 2012-04-11T23:06:53Z 2012-04-12T00:09:43Z

Yesterday I became the proud auntie of yet another perfect, beautiful niece. As I was dropping my first two perfect, beautiful nieces off at their house to spend the night with their grandmother it was discovered that one of the children (I suspect Owen) had, earlier in the day, locked the knob of the door that was supposed to be open and we therefore had no way to get into the house. As my brother's father-in-law raced off to the hospital to retrieve a key, I raced back to my car to retrieve a credit card. When I opened the car door, my phone was ringing. It was my brother. "Do you know how to do the credit card thing?" he asked. "One step ahead of you," I said. Ten seconds and one library card later I had broken into my brother's house. "You know how I know how to do that?" I said. "Remember when you were pet sitting that horrible dog for our neighbors and you locked the keys in the house? I watched Dad break in with a credit card." "Yeah," said my brother. "That's how I knew about it too." My brother and I both called Dad later to thank him for the valuable like skill. His response: "Did I ever teach you how to hot wire a car?" He didn't. I'm bitter. Once he had taught me about breaking and entering, why shy away from grand theft?

Yesterday I became the proud auntie of yet another perfect, beautiful niece. As I was dropping my first two perfect, beautiful nieces off at their house to spend the night with their grandmother it was discovered that one of the... Update, of sorts tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2012://3.11510 2012-03-16T16:48:41Z 2012-03-16T17:00:55Z

Things currently in the back of my car: One bag of assorted bathing suits, towels, goggles, and a Star Wars bathrobe for Owen's twice-weekly Mommy and Me swim lessons. One bag of snow pants, gloves, long socks and a bike helmet for Mia's twice-weekly ice skating (and my once-weekly ice skating). One bag holding a bat, t-ball tee and an incredibly heavy first base that honks when you stomp on it, plus a large barrel holding balls, ice packs, and a first aid kit for Owen's t-ball team of which I am somehow the manager. Two cases of beer and seven bottles of wine for my Bunco group, which I am hosting next week. A new toilet fill valve and flapper for the powder room toilet which has taken to singing when you flush it. Anybody wants an operatic toilet let me know and I'll send you the old parts. A roll of paper towels, because you never can tell when somebody is going to puke in the car. A full change of clothes for both children, see above. A picnic blanket, because you never can tell when you will need to have a picnic. Eight reusable grocery bags. Four crayons, three goldfish (one smushed), a fruit snack wrapper, rogue bits of mulch from the last time I hauled mulch, a lone Elmo Go Fish card, half of one of those gelatinous window stick on things which I believe used to be an Easter egg, and an ice scraper.

Things currently in the back of my car: One bag of assorted bathing suits, towels, goggles, and a Star Wars bathrobe for Owen's twice-weekly Mommy and Me swim lessons. One bag of snow pants, gloves, long socks and a bike... Ten Years On tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11415 2011-11-28T01:42:56Z 2011-11-28T01:44:54Z

I had dinner last night (with my husband, you remember him) at a restaurant where I once had dinner with you. It was strange. It has been so many years since I have been anywhere that smelled even faintly of you, and thinking back I believe that was the only time we ever had dinner together, at opposite ends of a very long, very crowded table. Mostly it was cigarettes, with a view of the parking garage, and drinks, coffee and sodas to make it through the work day and beers on all those Friday afternoons when we stole away from friends and loved ones who expected to be invited and had our kindred hour together. I don't talk about you anymore, other than those rare times when my daughter (she's six now, can you even imagine) asks how she got her name and I tell her a simple story from when we were young. I hardly even think about you anymore, and when I stop to think about that it makes me sad, because I swore, as we all do, that I would never forget, and yet I have. I have forgotten so much, so many details, all of the conversations, other than a bit here and a word there. I wish I could remember it all, but maybe I had to forget so that I could forgive you for dying. I wish you were still here. I wish your kids could play with my kids and we could still sneak off, once or twice a year, for that quiet beer that nobody else ever quite understood. Or even if we wouldn't be friends anymore, I would like the world just a little bit better if you were still somewhere in it.

Mia has a secret word, let's say it is Tulip. If someone she is not expecting shows up to pick her up from somewhere and says "Hey, your mom asked me to come get you" she knows to ask them for the secret word and run screaming in the other direction if they can't tell her it is Tulip. (Clearly this is for someone she knows, for strangers she knows to run screaming immediately.) Owen knows the secret word too, but doesn't totally understand its application. So when we are playing Tickle or Wrestle or Chase or Trap Owen (his favorite) and Owen is done playing the game, he shouts out Tulip! Tulip! So yes, my three-year-old has a safe word. As you can imagine, I am quite proud.

Mia has a secret word, let's say it is Tulip. If someone she is not expecting shows up to pick her up from somewhere and says "Hey, your mom asked me to come get you" she knows to ask them... Question from Owen tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11366 2011-09-30T23:28:07Z 2011-09-30T23:30:22Z

Owen (three and a half, in case you have lost track) has an important question that I am unable to answer, so I offered to ask you. "If The Hulk was frozen in carbonite, would he be able to use his strong muscles to break out?" (There's more, but it gets even more complicated after this one, so I've decided to stick to the basics, such as they are.)

Owen (three and a half, in case you have lost track) has an important question that I am unable to answer, so I offered to ask you. "If The Hulk was frozen in carbonite, would he be able to use... First Day of School, Child 2 tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11349 2011-09-12T16:26:45Z 2011-09-12T16:28:36Z

First Day of School, Child 1 tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11342 2011-09-06T14:41:26Z 2011-09-06T14:50:20Z

She can read, write, add, subtract and do some basic fractions. She can swim, ride a two-wheeler, make her own lunch, carry a tune, hit a baseball, and tell a joke that is actually funny. She's six. She's awesome. She's a first grader.

I was at Trader Joe's today, without my children, chatting with the ever-friendly cashier, and I made a comment about school starting next week. He asked me what grade I was going into. Blink. Blink. Now, my 20th high school reunion is next year and I only get carded for booze anymore out of pity or hope for a better tip, so all I can think is that they didn't have drugs that good when I was, you know, more than vaguely aware what the current illegal drug choices were. Unrelatedly, good things to eat that are fast and cheap if not necessarily low-fat. Leaving Home Penne Rigate, with thanks to Amanda L. for the recommendation, is yummy and easy and acceptable even to those people like my husband who think au gratin vegetables are Satan-sprung. We did it once with pecorino and I liked it but the aforementioned husband was not so into the sheepiness and once with parmesan which said husband preferred and I found a bit bland. Most any mildish-cheese would likely work, even cheddar if you are not married to a man who hates cheddar on pasta. Tuna Pasta with Peas is what to do with the can of tuna that has been in the back of the pantry for too long. You don't actually need a recipe for this - can of tuna, box of pasta, some frozen peas (canned peas gross me out) and alfredo sauce to taste. But if you, like me, cannot prepare buttered toast without a recipe, this recipe is for you. So, how is everybody anyway? Good summer?

I was at Trader Joe's today, without my children, chatting with the ever-friendly cashier, and I made a comment about school starting next week. He asked me what grade I was going into. Blink. Blink. Now, my 20th high school... Dork vs. Geek tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11320 2011-08-08T02:57:02Z 2011-08-08T05:58:41Z

I was literally in the middle of writing an actual post, and then Chris and I started having an argument about which of us is a geek and which of us is a dork. We cannot agree, so I submit it to you. Dork vs. Geek, what say you all?

I was literally in the middle of writing an actual post, and then Chris and I started having an argument about which of us is a geek and which of us is a dork. We cannot agree, so I submit... Figures tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11310 2011-07-30T00:24:44Z 2011-07-30T03:28:05Z

Foods to which I am not allergic: Beef Pork Foods I do not eat: Meat Foods to which I am allergic: Wheat Soy Eggs Peanuts Corn Foods I eat every single day: See list above So, I am now soliciting ideas on how to feed my vegetarian self without any of the foods which have not bothered me once so far but, according to my doctor, could possibly one day get bitchy and kill me. If you don't want to talk cooking, you can go here instead and talk shoes.

It was 2:00, 92 degrees, 1098 percent humidity, and I was in the backyard in my bathing suit pulling weeds. I was in my bathing suit because Owen had told me he wanted to play in the wading pool, and I was pulling weeds because some of them were threatening to eat my children. But the bugs were bugging Owen so he was standing next to me screaming and I was sweating buckets but begging Owen for just two more minutes so I could haul the eight-foot (literally) weed and all its little weedlet-spawn out of the supposed garden, when some man walked up trying to sell me door-to-door meat. Which, I dunno, I think door-to-door meat is objectively gross. But that may just be because I have been a devoted fish-eating vegetarian for over ten years now. No, I am not actually vegetarian, because yes, I do eat fish about four times a year. But the meat guy walked up talking about steak and he was nice enough but I was miserable to start with and then I told him we were vegetarian, every last one of us, and then he started talking to me about chicken and turkey. And when I affirmed that we were really quite firmly vegetarian, he told me he had something in his truck that would change my mind. And I don't know if you know this about me, because I try to suppress my true nature and be a nice person, but if I want to show you up as a fool and make you feel bad about yourself, I have the quite unfortunate ability of being able to do that to anyone in two minutes or less. Which is how the nice enough but misguided meat man ended up running away from me in fear. I didn't say I was proud of it, but there it is. Because no, other than some occasional fish to make it easier for my extended family to have me over, I do not eat animals, and I don't want to, and I am entirely happy with that, and I eat extremely well and deliciously, thankyouverymuch. So, here are some things I have eaten lately, completely devoid of dead things (unless you count eggs in that, in which case I see your point but continue to eat eggs) and are delicious and that I would happily feed to anyone, even the door-to-door meat man. Really Good Vegetarian Meatloaf: We had this tonight, and it made a shit-ton of food, and it was nearly gone. It was really, really good. I am serving this the next time we have guests good. I used all fresh herbs (just happened to have them) and minced garlic (from the jar) rather than dried and added some leftover mushrooms and way too much wasabi sauce, and it was entirely delicious. Pasta with Baby Broccoli and Beans: Have you tried baby broccoli? It is like broccoli-lite, all the flavor, none of the bitterness or denseness. Was lovely with the sun-dried tomatoes, and the fava beans were good but a bit dry and we decided next time we would try cannelini or butter beans. 7-layer Meatless Tortilla Pie: This needs half as many tortillas and a can of jalapenos and maybe some salsa poured on top, but so easy to tweak to your personal taste, also is delicious and I made it at lunchtime and stuck it in the fridge and then threw it in the oven when we got home from the pool while the kids were in the bath and it totally worked. Connie's Zucchini "Crab" Cakes: These are mis-named, probably trying to appease the carnivores out there, since they taste nothing like crab. But screw that, they are totally yummy, totally easy, and also totally great for throwing in the fridge when you have the chance to make them and then throwing in the oven when you have the chance to eat. So, take that, door-to-door meat guy who does not understand the definition of "vegetarian." And also, what are you eating lately? No meat, please. No, not even chicken.

Yes yes, I know, and how are you? Good, let's go. Owen has been doing this little camp thing this week, basically a preschool prep where they go through all the motions (line up, sit on the rug, play with other children, try not to hit them, do a craft, eat a snack, wet your pants, etc.) but don't actually try to teach them anything at all. After all the drama we had with Mia in her first year of preschool, and her second year of preschool, and her first couple of weeks of kindergarten, we thought a little dry run would be a good idea. And oh, I was so hoping that Owen would be one of those children who tripped merrily off to school with no more than a warning not to let the door hit me on the hiney on the way out, but so far at least it is not to be. Day 1 was ok, Day 2 he was leery, Days 3 & 4 he had to be physically pried off my body by his teachers. And once he gets through that he does ok, really well even, and he is always happy when I come to get him and has lots to report and his teachers swear that he bounces back quickly and is having wonderful days. So we keep doing it, because he is ready for school and it is good for him and he needs to learn that I can leave and still come back, but having a three year old beg me not to take him to school and then cling to me while screaming hysterically breaks my heart into a million pieces every single time. And of course, Mia comes along with me for drop off, and I have been trying to explain to her why we keep doing it, and what she was like when she started preschool and why we kept doing that and how sometimes it is my job to do things that make my children unhappy and that also make me unhappy because I have to do what is right for them even when it sucks all around. So she asked me how I knew this was right for Owen? How I knew he really needed to go to the camp that makes him sob instead of just waiting for school in the fall. I told her the truth - I don't know. I have no idea. I know Owen and how he is and I know what things I think might be good for him and I know how things were with you, but then I just take all of the things I know and close my eyes and hope and guess. Which is what we all do, I know, and then we open our eyes and hope that it was right, and if not right, then at least close enough.

First day of kindergarten: Last day of kindergarten:

First day of kindergarten: Last day of kindergarten:... Why Girls are Easier than Boys tag:www.sothefishsaid.com,2011://3.11255 2011-06-02T03:04:25Z 2011-06-02T06:08:31Z

When you have a three year old girl following you everywhere you go, and it gets to the point where you either go kill whatever is growing in the shower or give it a name and start a college fund, you can just convince the girl child to play Cinderella and get down to the shower cleaning. When you have a three year old boy following you everywhere you go and the shower reaches critical mass, it is much harder to wield the bleach and sponge in one hand while fighting a vicious light saber battle against attacking battle droids with the other. (I'm going to have to just firebomb the shower. At least Owen will enjoy it.)

When Mia spent her first nine months sleeping only and exclusively on top of me and then did not sleep through the night so much as once until she was 21 months old, I felt certain that no mother in history had suffered so greatly with sleep issues as I. In retrospect, this was certainly untrue, but I was deeply sleep deprived. When Owen gave up napping entirely before he turned two and then took 38 months to learn to (mostly, sort of, sometimes better than others) sleep through the night, I just resigned myself to my desperate fate. But my long tango with lousy sleepers seems to be nearing completion, at least until the next round. Mia sleeps like a log, and Owen sometimes goes 10 entire hours without intervention. That sound you hear is me collapsing in exhaustion. (Although to be fair, Owen has been very Daddy-centric the last nine months, so Chris has borne the brunt of the late-night awakenings since then, but the first five years were all me.) ******************** So, everybody sleeps, more or less. And everybody also uses an actual toilet for all of their toileting needs, more or less. Next step, "How to Wipe Your Own Butt," and then I can retire to the couch to eat bon-bons. ******************** Those of you who have been here a while ought to brace yourselves - especially those who pop in occasionally to remind me we have known each other since before I had ever been pregnant. In a matter of weeks, I will have a six year old first grader. As you were. ******************** I just had most of my backyard quite literally plowed under. You know you are an abject gardening failure when bare dirt looks a million times better than your gardening attempts. We are going to see if we can get some grass going, instead - we usually do ok with grass. Speaking of - has anybody tried that thing where you put layers of wet newspaper down under your mulch to stop the weeds? I thought it was a stupid internet myth, but the internet is pretty insistent about it, and I hate to use chemicals where the kids play but I also hate to pull weeds (see above, where my yard required plowing), so anybody? Works? Bullshit? (It has been so long since I posted to this here blog that it took me four tries to upload that lousy cell phone picture. Must be a sign that it is time to either get back to posting or shut it down.) ******************** I've been doing a fair amount of freelancing, off and on. The kind of thing where I do nothing for two weeks and then lock myself in the basement to work for an entire weekend. And man, I love being home with these kids and a major goal of my triumphant return to employment a couple of years from now will be that I still get a lot of time to be mommy, but I also sort of can't wait to have a job. You know, one with a paycheck and no cleaning up vomit. ******************** Finally, I am trying to learn how to dress myself. I am 36 after all, it seems time. You can help me with step one here, if you are so inclined. (Please be inclined, I am a clueless slob.) ******************** Enough with me, how are you? I feel like we never talk anymore.