Congratulations! You just won the lottery! Unfortunately, it was a pretty crappy lottery. You don't have enough to buy an island or a fleet of Rolls Royces or a mansion in Monte Carlo. You aren't set for life, it would probably be a good idea to keep your job. You do have enough to send the kids to college and pay off your student loans and credit cards and even the mortgage if you wanted to, but doing all of that might not leave you much left from your winnings. You know, depending how much you owe.
But! You do have enough to spend on those mundane little things that may make your life just slightly better. What do you do?
Me? Well first, I would put all new windows in my house because I have spent the past two days shrink wrapping them and it is a pain in the butt and doesn't help all that much and they still get water and ice on the inside all winter long. And then I would have a vacuum cleaner for every floor of my house because I hate hauling that thing up and down the stairs. And then I would hire a ten hour a week nanny and get my gym membership back. There's more, I'm sure, but the taxes eat into the winnings and probably wise to leave some in savings.
So how about you?
I had to make a quick run to Target with the kids yesterday to secure new humidifiers and filters since none of the ones we had were operational. I has Owen strapped to my chest and Mia tied down in the cart and was hussling my sick child(ren) through the store as fast as I possibly could when some lady stopped me to announce "That baby looks tired."
Um, really? What gave it away? His red-rimmed eyes? The bags that looks like bruises under same? And hey, since you are feeling so helpful, perhaps you could come home with me and get him to sleep for more than 15 minutes at a stretch, which considering that he can barely breathe through his nose or his mouth would be quite a feat. Admittedly, tearing out her carotid with my teeth was a bit of an overreaction, but I haven't gotten much sleep lately either.
For my recently departed 34th birthday I requested, and received, make up and moisturizer. Anybody get the impression that I am feeling old? In typical me fashion, I have been using the moisturizer but not the make up. I never seem to get a moment where one of the kids isn't needing something from me until at least 2:00, and by then putting on the make up seems rather futile, especially since Owen is just going to lick my face at some point. Maybe once the kids are in school I will turn into an actual grown up with make up and brushed hair and stain-free clothing.
Speaking of my birthday, I got one of the best presents ever on Friday. Now, to properly appreciate this, you have to play along a bit. First, you need to get that "I'm too Sexy" song going in your head. You know "I'm too sexy for my shirt..." etc. To really capture the moment, you also need to do a little booty shake. Are you ready? Are you singing the stupid song? Are you wiggling your booty? Ok then, here we go:
I'm too skinny for my fat pants
Too skinny for my fat pants
So skinny ('cept for my ass)
Why yes, I have spent the past five days bouncing around my house singing that song, although only when Chris isn't home. And sure, fitting back into your pants at nine months post partum is not exactly a fabulous accomplishment, but since I have spent the past nine months continuing to eat like I'm pregnant with triplets and since pants are always a problem for me as I have a lot of junk in my trunk thighs it is a big moment for me to ditch the fat pants. Although now I need new jeans again, and that blows.
People, you are awesome. I love you. Come over here and let me slip you some tongue. I have had so much fun reading all the first and middle names that you left for me (and thank you for adding partners and kids, that was brilliant!) and I am totally milking it with Mia. "Hey Bean, if you pick up the playroom I'll read you ten more names." Works like a charm. The funny thing is that Mia and I have totally different taste in names. I'll read one that has me thinking "oh my god, were her parents drunk?" and Mia will say "Ooooohhhh Mommy, that name is so boo-fidul (beautiful)."
I realized (when someone pointed it out) that I didn't give you our names, which doesn't seem fair. We are:
Elizabeth Jean
Christopher Mathew (no, that isn't a typo - at least it isn't my typo)
Amelia Morgan
Owen Gregory
I was sort of interested by the number of women who listed their husband's name and then their own name. Habit, possibly? Around here, my name is first on everything - bank accounts, tax returns, but then Chris has a horror of filling our forms so I do all of that stuff and just put my name first without thinking about it.
Hey, Owen is sick with a miserable cough and a low fever and can't sleep and won't eat and just buries his his head in my shoulder and whines all day. And I know there's no over the counter cough medicine for babies anymore, but does anybody know if you can still get prescription stuff? If I take him to the doctor, will they at least give me something to use at night so he can sleep, or will it just be a wasted co-pay to hear about using a humidifier and running a hot shower?
So, crock pot vegetarian lasagna was very good. Just as much trouble as making regular lasagna except that I could do all the chopping and sauteing and assembly during naptime and then throw it in the fridge. Which I could do with regular lasagna, yes, except that then I can never figure out how long it is going to take to cook and always underestimate and dinner is an hour late which is not good when it comes to the children. So I think I will definitely be making it again. I guess god really does love me.
Have I ever told you that I hate teeth? I do. I mean really, I have a blender and I'm not afraid to use it, why does my baby need teeth? Owen, who is the most charming, lovable, happiest, sweetest child you could ever hope to encounter has been a continual pain in my ass for weeks now and it is all because of teeth. I propose a boycott.
Also hey, today is my 29th 38th 34th birthday, although I will not actually complete my 34th year until early tomorrow morning (comes from being born late at night in California). What I really want for my birthday is to eat one meal without feeding anyone else, getting up eight times to fetch things for the chidren, or holding a squirmy baby in my lap (not gonna happen); to sit on the couch and watch an entire movie with my husband (not gonna happen); and four uninterrupted hours of sleep (not gonna happen). But, I am typing this from my shiny new laptop, so that's a consolation. If you would like to give me a gift, and you know you would, you can leave me a comment with your first and middle names. This is a lovely present because Mia is obsessed with full names and reading your names to her will score me a little easy entertainment this afternoon.
Hooray! Chris is at work! I get the laptop all to myself all day long! I'm giddy with power. However, I also have two children who expect to be cared for or something. It's like they never even consider my needs. Perhaps we should try therapy?
The truly sad part is that me not having my own laptop means that we only have five internet capable devices in the house at any given time rather than six, but none of them are mine and that blows.
Hey! Did you know that crock pot lasagna is just as big a pain to make as regular lasagna? Ok sure, you don't have to cook the noodles first, but the small benefit of not having to boil a pot of water is more than offset by having to saute onions and garlic in wine at nine in the morning. I'm using a recipe posted online by someone with the screen name "godlovesyou," so if dinner tonight sucks I am totally blaming god.
Hey, there isn't a single thing on my TiVo that isn't animated. What should I be watching that I'm not?
My beloved laptop is no more. Now sure, this is not a surprise since I bought it very used three years ago for dirt cheap and the battery hasn't held a charge for longer than 10 seconds in well over two years and then the keyboard died and I had to plug a keyboard in to use the thing, but I loved my hoopty laptop and was so demoralized when it finally went all blue screen and refused to boot altogether than I waited nearly 20 minutes before I ordered a new (to me) one.
It will arrive soon, but in the meantime Chris and I are sharing a laptop and I am not entire sure that our marriage will survive. Wish us luck.